7 Gifts I Want to Get My Husband for Fathers Day But Won't Because Id Like to Stay MarriedMeredith Carroll
Women often get a bad rap for being hard to shop for. But men? Unless they’re golf enthusiasts or enjoy receiving mugs with stupid fishing clichés (“I’d rather be fishing than working“) for every. single. occasion., they can actually be really tricky when it comes to gifts.
I know what I’ll end up getting my husband for Father’s Day, which is nothing that will go down in his life story as life-changing. But what I’d like to get him, on the other hand, is life-changing, although unfortunately in a he’ll-probably-start-thinking-divorce kind of way.
Behold: My seven fantasy Father’s Day gifts for my husband:
Can you hear me now? 1 of 7The ability to not sigh so deeply that our neighbors are knocked out of their beds from the aftershock just because I occasionally call his name in the morning when I'm upstairs and he's downstairs.
Or at least the ability to not sigh so deeply until he hears why it is I'm actually calling for him.
It’s just hair and a brush 2 of 7The confidence to do stupidly easy things like brush our daughters' hair without prefacing it by saying, "Well, Mommy is much better at this, but . . ."
Two things does not (hardly) multitasking make 3 of 7The power not to freak out if he has to cook once a month on the same night he also gives our preschooler a bath. Both can be done. He can do it! I know he can! Particularly if by "cooking" it means he's throwing some raw meat on the grill and a few ears of corn in the microwave, and if by "bathing" it means he forgets to wash our daughter's face.
Please — not the male/directions cliché thing 4 of 7The know-how to refresh the Directions app on my iPhone to re-route us when we get lost. He can do it! I know he can! And I know this because our 3-year-old can actually do it, and since she can't wipe her butt but he can, I'm certain this isn't the thing she has over him.
No one likes facial hair 5 of 7For Father's Day, I wish I could gift my husband with the fact that no one thinks soul patches, goatees and 5-day-old beards are cool, sexy or youthful (and the ladies who say otherwise have obviously never regularly kissed a man with any of the aforementioned Brillo, er, facial hair). Even Angelina Jolie only like Brad Pitt's scruff in theory. In practice? Ugh.
I applaud your efforts, honey, to be healthy and feel confident. In fact, you get a standing ovation for your efforts [insert slow clap here]. But not shaving any part of your face has to be banished as it relates to those goals. And the next time you tell me I see the beginning of a goatee because you need a new razor? I'll go out and buy you a new razor.
You unmade it just fine, now just reverse it 6 of 7A tutorial on how to make the bed the three times a year he does it. Hint: The decorative lace part of the sheets goes at the head of the bed, not the foot. And when you're trying to button the duvet cover but find the buttons on the inside, that means it's probably inside out.
Harry Houdini, is that you? 7 of 7I don't know how he does it, but when the going gets tough, or, more specifically, when the dishes need to be washed, my husband has this magical ability to — poof! — disappear to take care of something more pressing until which time the kitchen is clean.
For Father's Day I'd like to present him with the knowledge that being out of sight doesn't get him off the hook. If he thinks he's getting away with something, it's purely just a coincidence. Because when I want him to wash dishes, he washes them. Every other time he's just inventing other, unnecessary work for himself.
Happy Father's Day, sweetie!
Photo credits: iStock
Follow Meredith Carroll on Twitter
MORE ON BABBLE
10 things you should never say to your husband… but probably do
11 hilarious tips for undressing in front of your lover (circa 1937)
7 things I wish I knew about men before I got married
20 funny things women do to get out of sex
25 things women will never understand about men