7 Reasons I'll Never Be Hip, According to my Kids

What she finds inside is neat to her. To me? Not so much.

I think many adults think at the outset that they’ll be the exception to the rule that kids don’t think their parents are cool. And I’m no exception.

I was sure my daughters would think I was hip. After all, I saw Phish in my sister’s college cafeteria before they were Phish, I once worked as a Swatch watch model in a Manhattan department store, and I used to wear a double pierce in one ear (OK, I wore a second earring in my left ear once, but it got infected so I took it out).

That seems to matter not at all to my daughters. My older one is only 3, but she’s already looking forward to kindergarten because, “Mommy can’t ride the school bus with me.” She also asks me to leave preschool almost immediately after dropping her off in the morning. And by asking me to leave, I mean she coldly shoves me out the door while saying, “OK, leave. Bye.” My younger daughter is only 6-months-old, but it’s only a matter of time. I can see it in her eyes.

Here are 7 reasons why I realize now I really never stood a chance to be seen as cool by my kids:


  • Phil Collins 1 of 7
    Phil Collins
    I'm not talking about Genesis/Phil Collins. I'm talking No Jacket Required/Phil Collins. Songs like "Separate Lives (featuring Marilyn Martin)," "Easy Lover (featuring Phillip Bailey)" and "Don't Lose My Number" (which was about, but not featuring Billy) — pretty much the final nail in my "cool" coffin.
    While my preschooler's idea of a musical good time is the selections on Toddler Tunes on Comcast channel 928, she still apparently thinks she has enough taste to cover her ears and ask me to keep it down when I tune the satellite radio channel in the car to The Blend or Love, and rock out to "Sussudio."
    Photo Credit: Wikipedia
  • My panties 2 of 7
    My panties
    They'll never feature anyone named Dora, Cinderella or Elmo. Because I must be in trouble, my preschooler reasons. Why else would I not want my butt to feature a red puppet or Disney princess?
    Photo Credit: Target
  • Glitter is not my idea of a good time 3 of 7
    Glitter is not my idea of a good time
    It might be if I were a stripper. Or a 3-year-old girl. But anything in between and it's just a mess. Of course if you're a 3-year-old girl, that's a whole half of the point.
    Photo Credit: Wikipedia
  • Boogers don’t amuse me 4 of 7
    Boogers don't amuse me
    And I'm sorry they amuse my little girl. She, however, is too busy giggling at her boogers to care what I think.
    Photo Credit: Morgue File
  • I’d rather wear fur than go naked 5 of 7
    I'd rather wear fur than go naked
    Another way I'm different from my kids, and another way in which I am not cool enough for them. Still, if one day I chose to, say, push them on the swings in the playground while in my birthday suit or complete an arts and crafts project in the buff, they just might hold me in higher regard.
    Photo Credit: Morgue File
  • Baths 6 of 7
    To me, sitting in a tub full of water turned colors from my own filth and having people stand over me with a camera to document the experience is about as fun as a bikini wax followed by a Pap smear. To my daughters, it's nothing short of heaven. Go figure.
    Photo Credit: Morgue File
  • Peanut Butter and Jelly. All. Day. Long. 7 of 7
    Peanut Butter and Jelly. All. Day. Long.
    Living on a steady diet of Goldfish crackers and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches sounds good for maybe one meal a day, once in a while. Three times a day, plus snacks — with no variety and no questions asked? No, thanks.
    Photo Credit: Morgue File

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