Dear Dr. Lady Parts,
As I sit here on the noisy paper lining of your exam table, I’m unable to think about anything but the two very thin, very low thread count sheets covering my very naked, very cold body.
I know I don’t write, I don’t call, but I’m here now for my annual preventative maintenance and isn’t that all that really matters?
In answer to your questions, yes, I feel my boobies regularly. No, I don’t have any pain. Yes, I still have the same sexual partner. No, I don’t have any vagina problems.
Enough of the small talk, let’s get down to female brass tacks.
As your naked and vulnerable patient, I feel the need to express the following wants, desires and concerns on how to better provide me with most excellent gynecological care:
1. Give me a drawer. I can’t exactly explain why I feel the need to hide my bra and panties from you between the expertly folded clothing I’ve just removed; I just know I need to. A drawer would tell me you’re invested in this relationship.
2. How about some goddamn flannel sheets if you’re going to insist upon keeping me waiting naked in this meat locker.
3. Always use the small speculum. I don’t care how stretched out my glitter’s become as a result of birthing two very stubborn babies. While I can’t guarantee my vagina won’t accidentally swallow said speculum, it’s a chance I’m willing to take. Yes, I’ll sign a waiver.
4. Warm up the lube. Microwave that shit, I don’t care, just do something.
5. No, I can’t scoot my butt any down any further on the exam table. I’m not prepared to fall vagina first. How about you just come closer.
6. What’s a girl gotta do to get complimented on her pubic grooming? I don’t go through this much effort for anyone but you; a little recognition would be greatly appreciated.
7. Buy me dinner. It only seems fair.
8. When my feet are in the stirrups, never, ever say “Come in!” when there’s a knock on the exam room door…unless of course you want my knees to vice grip your head as they slam shut. I believe we’ve had this conversation before.
9. No, I will not relax my leg muscles. Not without a glass of wine, a foot massage, and a little acoustic Coldplay.
10. Refrain from using words like, “firm”, “pink”, “happy”, and “fleshy” while peeking inside my magical nether regions. I’m sure those words are positive and healthy but my vagina gets all embarrassed and stuff. Stick with words like, “great”, “fine”, or even “all good”.
11. I’d like a goody bag when I leave. C’mon, even the dentist gives me a toothbrush and floss. Can I at least get a tampon and some fem wipes? Or maybe a sticker? Ooo, or one of those Bic pens made just “for her”.
Now that I’m finally back in my underwear, I guess I’ll let you go. These vaginas won’t check themselves, I suppose.
May we continue to be people who use minimal words and only see each other once a year.
More on Strollerderby: