Funny New Years Resolutions from a 5-Year-Old

funny new year's resolutions, happy new year 2011
Happy New Year! What are your resolutions?

“What would you like your New Year’s resolution to be?” I asked my 5-year-old this morning.

“Nothing,” she replied.

“You don’t think there’s anything you can get better at?” I prodded.

“Nope!,” she declared, in the confident yet totally charming way young children do.

Of course, there are lots of things I’d like to see my daughter get better at in 2011.  So I’ve come up with a list of things I wish she’d make as her resolutions for the coming year.

1. Stop pooping my pants.

2. Stop crying when my mother brushes my hair.

3. Stop crying when there’s green stuff or red stuff on my plate.

4. Stop crying when my TV shows end.

5. Stop crying when it’s time for bed.

6. Stop crying when the breeze blows too hard against my cheek.

7. Stop crying when I can’t get things open.

8. Stop crying when I can’t get things closed.

9. Stop crying when I think someone’s about to leave the house even though they’re really just going into the kitchen.

10. Stop pooping my pants.

Because other than crying all the time and pooping her pants every day, my kid is totally perfect.  I suppose it’s not fair to air my daughter’s dirty laundry without admitting a few shortcomings of my own, because if the shoe were on the other foot, I imagine my daughter would have quite an extensive list of resolutions for me:

1. Stop brushing my kid’s hair so hard.  She’s only 5, you know!

2. Let my kid eat whatever she wants, including chocolate for breakfast, gumballs for lunch and pizza every day for dinner.

3. Let my kid stay up late and watch grown-up TV.  And I don’t just mean Two and a Half Men because my kid already watches that with her Grandma.  Try to be more like Grandma in every way except the yelling.

4. Sleep in bed with my kid all night, every night, especially when she calls out for me to snuggle with her.  (How could I be so heartless?  I’m sorry, Lord.  I promise to do better.)

5. Stop being so hard on my kid when she cries.  She’s only 5, you know!

6. Quit my jobs and collect ZhuZhu pets professionally.

7. Forget the idea of ever dating anyone, ever.  My child is all I need to live a happy, fulfilling life.

8. Start more pillow fights/tickle wars/dance parties.

9. Learn to love playing Disney Princess.

10. Make it summer all year so we can go swimming every day.

You know, nothing too unreasonable.  Happy New Year to you and yours!  What are you and your children working on this new year?

Article Posted 6 years Ago

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