In The Name of Beauty: Vintage Products That Will Blow Your Mind

We let fish nibble at our dry, cracked feet.

We wax hair from areas I don’t care to elaborate on.

We inject poison into our skin to paralyze our muscles.

We surgically implant what amounts to plastic baggies into our chests.

We pluck, we bleach, we cream…

So who are we to talk? And yet…One look at some of the crazy regimens of years past and the bizarre things women do nowdays in the name of beauty don’t seem all that strange…relatively speaking, of course.

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  • Dimple Machine 2 of 17
    Dimple Machine
    Dimples are now made to order via this face-fitting spring featuring two knobs that dig into your cheeks.
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  • Debunked! 3 of 17
    Aw bummer. Turns out it doesn't make dimples but "may cause cancer after prolonged use."
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  • Glamour Bonnet 4 of 17
    Glamour Bonnet
    Just inhibit your breathing and your complexion will glow! "Like a diver's helmet with which the atmospheric pressure around the beauty seeker's face can be lowered."
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  • Wireless Perm Machine 5 of 17
    Wireless Perm Machine
    Is this a hair do or a lobotomy? According to Wikimedia this is a "Wireless permanent-waving machine introduced in 1934 by Icall Limited to satisfy a demand for a machine in which there was no direct connection to electricity when the heaters were applied."
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  • Vibrate Your Face To Gorgeousness 6 of 17
    Vibrate Your Face To Gorgeousness
    "Facial muscles must be kept firm and healthy. Or they will get soft, flabby."
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  • Freckle Cream 7 of 17
    Freckle Cream
    Don't let your freckles ruin your appearance! Remove them while you sleep.
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  • Beauty Micrometer 8 of 17
    Beauty Micrometer
    "Flaws almost invisible to the ordinary eye become glaring distortions when thrown upon the screen."
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  • Electric Mask 9 of 17
    Electric Mask
    "In the mask is embedded a battery of heating coils which generate a warmth which quickly reduces lines."
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  • Transparent Face Mask 10 of 17
    Transparent Face Mask
    Just slip this bag of "cellulose tissue" over your face to preserve your good looks. Oh yeah. It can "also be used as a shower cap, an apron, a tray cover and a turban." Score!
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  • Vibratory Exercise Belt 11 of 17
    Vibratory Exercise Belt
    Just vibrate the fat away!
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  • Ironized Yeast Tablets 12 of 17
    Ironized Yeast Tablets
    For sexy curves! Or, you know, you can just down a couple cheeseburgers.
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  • The Psycho-Expander 13 of 17
    The Psycho-Expander
    Increase your chest expansion one inch in five days! "Psycho" is right...
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  • Corset 14 of 17
    Basically this is the early version of Spanx, right here.
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  • Suction Treatment 15 of 17
    Suction Treatment
    "The system makes use of a small electric motor driving a vacuum pump to which are attached four flexible hoses. On the end of each hose is a nozzle made of glass which is run over the face in the same manner as a vacuum cleaner."
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  • Vending Machine Tan 16 of 17
    Vending Machine Tan
    And here you thought spray tans were a new thing...
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  • Measure Your Beauty 17 of 17
    Measure Your Beauty
    And, when you've completed all of the previous beauty chores you can measure your beauty in this beauty measuring machine. In the inventor's opinion the perfect beauty is: "nose, same length as the height of forehead; eyes separated by the width of one eye.
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Article Posted 4 years Ago

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