It’s back-to-school time already? Boy, that summer just flew by. Ha ha, just seeing if you’re paying attention. Even though summer can be exhausting, it’s still tough to push your little chicks out of the nest come September.
With that in mind, here’s a back-to-school survival kit for moms. Yes, this is all about you, since your kid has enough help with the transition — can you believe that 50 item school supply list the teacher sent you? I digress.
1. Pack of one million wipes. Do you know what they do all day? Some of it involves stuff like playing with the class turtle, and you need to clean them off quick when they get home.
2. Pinterest. You’re going to have to bake stuff for the PTA. And it won’t be pretty unless you have some inspiration. And exact, detailed instructions. Speaking of which…
3. Your mom on speed dial. She did all this stuff years ago, but cookie making is still the same. You’ll also need to talk to her when you break out your…
4. Box of tissues. Your baby is off to real school! It was just the other day she was a fetus. Sniff.
1. Gas reward points program. Because you’ll be driving your child to approximately three after school activities every day. And some of them are super boring to watch, so remember…
2. Kindle app. Honestly, you haven’t read a book in three years at least. Soccer practice is a great time to catch up. Sorry not sorry.
3. Glue and pipe cleaners. Hello, diorama my old friend. It’s time to do another one again. I would make some more Simon and Garfunkel references but you get it.
4. Spa gift certificate. You’re going to need it after making, I mean, helping your kid make that diorama of George Washington addressing the soldiers at the Battle of Whatever.
1. Big sunglasses and kerchief. You can go incognito to scope out what boy your daughter is mooning over all the time. Don’t let your husband come or there’ll be a throw down.
2. Book on how to talk to kids about sex. Also, divine intervention in order to get through that talk, and particularly the point where your kid asks if you also waited until marriage.
3. Vodka. This is the age of the sleepover, and by the third hour of screeching and high-pitched laughter, you’re going to need it.
4. Social media assistant. Save yourself a headache and hire a college student to keep tabs on your kid’s social media activity. You don’t even know what the new social media apps are nowadays, never mind how to work them.
1. Spanx. You’re feeling kind of old and out of shape watching the parade of nubile young ladies that your daughter befriends, or (gasp) your taciturn son brings home to “hang out” with.
2. A lock for your closet. Or else your daughter will steal the few things you own that are actually attractive. But she’ll leave the Spanx, at least.
3. A GPS pet tracker. You can accidentally take this off Rover and leave it in the back of your son’s car when he coincidentally wants to go study with his friends on the same night as the concert. The one 50 miles away that you forbade him to go to on a school night.
4. Boxes of hair color. You’ll be growing gray hairs faster than you can afford to see your colorist. Or, just go natural. Then you can more easily guilt your kids into staying home to hang out with their poor old mom.
1. A second mortgage. This college education better pay off in a job that will enable you to visit your child’s second home in Aspen.
2. An increased phone plan. Hold on, why is your kid texting and calling you every three seconds? When you went to college, you called your mom once a week, max. I guess it’s sweet that she wants to keep you updated.
3. A call screening app. It only allows calls through if they come three in a row. What happened to that empty nest everyone talks about? I don’t think it’s supposed to involve nightly FaceTiming.
4. A bottle of wine. You want to celebrate your empty nest, right? Just settle in and — there’s the phone ringing again. Well, the wine can wait.