NYC Soda Ban Passes, Fat People In 5 Boroughs Weep Into Their Final Big Gulps

nyc soda ban passes
NYC soda ban passes: but you can still have your Big Gulp and drink it, too.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is here to combat hashtag obesity, son! Yes, #obesity. Earlier today he tweeted, “NYC’s new sugary drink policy is the single biggest step any gov’t has taken to curb #obesity. It will help save lives.” (The policy bans the sale of regular soda in containers larger than 16 ounces. By most establishments, not all. More on that below.) I don’t disagree that the ban on big sodas will help save lives, especially because Mayo Clinic obesity expert Donald Hensrud says so, too. “Understandably, people don’t like being told what to eat, but a limit like that isn’t unreasonable,” Hensrud said in a statement. “Regular soda is a triple whammy, so to speak. It’s extra calories, there’s no nutritional value at all, and it may displace other foods that are healthier …. There’s pretty good suggestive data that it does influence people’s weight, because of the high calorie density,” he added.

But of course many will not be able to focus on the health benefits of this ban on one gallon vats of Red Bull, because god damn it nobody tells them to not to Big Gulp their way to an early grave! First I had to wear a seatbelt, then I couldn’t text and drive, now I can’t have an 87 ounce soda with my McDonald’s breakfast???? THE NANNY STATE IS OUT OF CONTROL!!!! I guess Bloomberg would be totally fine with me drinking 87 ounces of breastmilk, though, huh?! This is like when New York City banned trans fats! Do you know how many chubby trannys lost their jobs that day??? If the world didn’t want fat trannys, why would the neighborhood they troll be called the Meatpacking district, hmmm?! I like my ladies who are men to have a little meat on their bones. And a giant soda in their hand.

According to The New York Times, “The measure, unless blocked by a judge, will take effect in six months. The health board vote was the only regulatory approval needed to become binding in the city, but the American soft-drink industry has strongly opposed the plan and vowed this week to try to fight the measure by other means, possibly in the courts.” The paper also notes, “The plan is a marquee initiative of the Bloomberg administration, which is known for introducing ambitious and, some say, overreaching public health policies, including a ban on smoking in bars and the posting of calorie counts on chain restaurant menus.” THE HORROR. To be forced to acknowledge that burger I’m about to eat is 1200 calories? If I wanted to actually face my shame like that, I wouldn’t be drunk and alone in a burger joint at 3 am, now would I?????

But seriously – getting back to the Big Gulp thing in particular – they won’t even be affected. “Convenience stores, including 7-Eleven and its king-size “Big Gulp” drinks, would be exempt, along with vending machines and some newsstands,” the NYT reports. So everyone just keep your panties on! Or take your panties off. Whichever one will help you relax. (Unless you just bought a hot dog from 7-Eleven. If so, don’t relax, because you’re eating ungraded “pork.” Mmmm…) This soda ban is a good thing, guys. Soda isn’t disappearing. And 16 ounces is actually plenty of soda once you get used to drinking less of it. Besides, drinking more won’t quench your thirst anyway! It just makes you fat and rots your teeth. Even the least health-conscious parents in NYC would never just hand their kids a 2-liter of soda and say, “Here you go!” So why should adults drink so much of the stuff? Honestly, I grew up on soda and I still like it, but I started to limit my intake a long time ago. It’s the right thing to do. Plus, I discovered that less Coke means more room for Jack, am I right people? Until Bloomberg re-instates prohibition. Then I guess we’ll all finally be forced to drink water like we should.

Photo credit: Flickr user zingersb


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