I know not everyone will agree with me on this, but I have to say I find even the most artfully done pregnancy portraits totally, utterly, completely AWKWARD. You can thank (or let’s be real, blame) Demi Moore, Claudia Schiffer and Britney Spears for the recent rise in everyday women taking photos of themselves half- or fully naked while pregnant. Even the recently released pic (left) of a pregnant Jessica Simpson in her “mummy” costume (get it?!) is just so … weird. Why are you making a sexy face, Jess? You’re covered in toilet paper! And kinda look like you have to poop. Why not smile, show that you’re happy to be pregnant? Or make a scary face for Halloween? Something!
Anyhoo … some of the solo belly shots I’ve seen are okay, especially if they focus just on the belly and not on the future mother wistfully looking off in the distance while cupping her rotund flesh with her swollen hands. But almost every partner shot I’ve ever seen is somewhat bizarre, especially those that feature a couple with booze, costumes/props and/or guns. So many guns …
Here are 25 of the weirdest, creepiest and most unsettling pregnancy portraits I could find. Enjoy?
The last time we held each other like this I got pregnant.
2. Stop or I’ll Shoot!
Hopefully not the baby, though. This is so disturbing.
I don’t know how this happened! One day I was taking cute pics like this and posting them on MySpace, the next day someone was kicking me from inside.
I think the intended math here is vodka + energy drink = relaxed enough to stay up all night with baby
5. Watercolor Wonder
6. Family Tree
That night I stuck my Eiffel Tower in you, girl, I knew we’d be adding to our family tree.
7. Pregnant Bunny
The sweats and bow tie? Priceless!
8. Pregnant Tree-t
Dear sweet Baby Jesus. This is a little sappy, don’tchathink? Wah-wah!
9. Magic Mirror
This creeps me out to no end. I wonder if after she had the baby she looked into that mirror and saw herself two years later covered in spit, poop, and peas.
10. Lady Godiva
I kinda wish the horse was pregnant, too. Then this would be velvet poster-worthy.
11. Gun Show!
For this chick, motherhood comes automatic. (Or at least semi-automatic.)
12. Pregnant Plank
This isn’t what the doctor meant by bed rest.
13. Road Warrior
Looks like these parents are already prepared to be tired.
14. Pregnant Piece
See what I mean?
15. Fetal Position
No words …
16. Double Trouble
Oh dear ladies, you are so young. Stay in school.
17. Karate Chop
18. Spider Squat
19. Beach Ball Baby
When I first saw this pic, I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Did this couple just find out they were pregnant and want to take shots before her belly grew? Then I read on Pregnant Chicken that these are adoptive parents and this is their version of the belly shot, and I thought, wow, that’s hilarious, brilliant and awesome. (But still weird.)
… and gassy, the way pregnancy should be.