Save the Children! From These Top 10 Worst Easter Candies

I’ve never been super stoked about Easter even though my mom really went all out.

I’ve finally figured out that it’s the candy that turns me off. Oh. And also the whole dead people coming back to life thing. Resurrection, they call it. That’s kind of a turn off too. But honestly, if I have to choose between black jelly beans and welcoming back dead folks I’d go with dead folks every time.

Easter candy is just so gross.

A solid chocolate bunny? What’re you supposed to do with that? Gnaw on it occasionally and then sock it away in your underwear drawer where you forget about it until July when it suddenly looks like you messed your pants and tried to hide the evidence?

And what’s up with the Easter/marshmallow connection? How has that become the official Easter candy item? Is it a bunny/chick thing? Or is there a resurrection connection I’m missing?

Maybe you disagree. Maybe you like a basket full of candy that looks like the stale stuff sitting in a dish next to the glass grapesĀ  on your grandma’s coffee table? The candy she tried to foist on the mailman and unsuspecting girl scouts just trying to sell a few thin mints. Maybe that’s your thing?

Either way, check it out. The worst Easter candy. Don’t give any of these to your loved ones. Unless you’re mad at them, I mean. And then, by all means!

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  • Old Skool Jeally Beans 2 of 11
    Old Skool Jeally Beans
    I'm talking classic pectin jelly beans, the kind where black is licorice-flavored, not the amazingness that is the Jelly Belly. I think I can say with assurance that the black, licorice-flavored jelly bean is what nightmares are made of.
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  • Solid, Evil Chocolate Bunnies 3 of 11
    Solid, Evil Chocolate Bunnies
    I know it seems counterintuitive to tell you that chocolate is bad but seriously. What are you supposed to do with this? Even your sugar-crazed toddler will tire of it after an ear or a head. And then what? Wrap it tinfoil so you can nibble on it until the 4th of July? Ick. You should also know that the chances of him coming to life and killing you in your sleep are pretty high.
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  • Cadbury Eggs 4 of 11
    Cadbury Eggs
    No. I mean, Gawd, do I need to explain or is the photo enough? Go eat a box of cake mix instead, it's a step up.
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  • Easter Candy Corn 5 of 11
    Easter Candy Corn
    Candy corn? Even the name is just wrong. Don't mix your vegetables with your candies, people! They are the bane of Halloween candy and damn anyone for trying to perpetuate the madness at Easter. Also? if candy could actually die this is what it would look like. You are looking at decomposing candy.
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  • Chocolate Cross 6 of 11
    Chocolate Cross
    What's so wrong with gnawing on a solid chocolate cross? Everything.
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  • Peeps 7 of 11
    No, this is not my idea of a hot chick. The Internet tells me that roughly 60% of you are screaming that I'm crazy, that Peeps are amazing. Listen, I've never tasted a Peep that didn't invoke what I imagine candy tasted like in the olden days, before they knew how to make awesome candy. What are you doing eating a Peep? Go buy some Skittles for godsakes!
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  • Bunnymallows 8 of 11
    Can someone explain the marshmallow/Easter connection? Someone? Anyone?
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  • Jordan Almonds 9 of 11
    Jordan Almonds
    Much like Peeps, I've never tasted a Jordan Almond that didn't seem like it had been sitting in your granny's candy dish since Easter of 2010.
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  • Chicks & Rabbits 10 of 11
    Chicks & Rabbits
    Every year Brach's sells these... things. They're called Chicks & Rabbits and I'll be damned if I know what they're made out of. Some kind of pliable, squishy, doughy, weirdness. And what's the flavor? Banana? COULD SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THE ALLURE TO ME?!
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  • Chocolate Jesus 11 of 11
    Chocolate Jesus
    "Thanks for that whole dying for our sins thing. And now I must celebrate by eating your head."
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You can also find Monica on her personal blog, The Girl Who.

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Article Posted 4 years Ago

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