You Know You’re a Dad If….John Cave Osborne
There are many characteristics that make up a Dad. They’re funny, helpful, and they like their technology. Dad’s come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, but here are some general funny stereotypical things that prove you are a Dad.
1. You own a real shovel
Everyone knows that at the beach, Dad’s the poor clown who’s loaded down like a sherpa, shuffling along the hot splintered boardwalk which leads to the sandy utopia. So if you find yourself doing just that while hauling a mesh bag full of beach toys and carrying a plastic shovel? You, my friend, are probably a dad. But if you’re carrying a real shovel, there’s no “probably” about it. You are a dad. Because all dads know that every drip castle masterpiece needs a perfectly dug circular mote. And that calls for a little beefier hardware than that of the plastic variety.
2. Your car is an entertainment center
Remember when all you needed for a long car ride was a solid mixed tape or three? It was just you, the open road and your tunes. Oh the good old days. But now? Now your car has state-of-the-art entertainment — satellite radio, DVD screens — and toy storage. It’s the only way you will get peace in a car full of kids.
3. You know who the hottest boy band is
Big Time Rush, The Fresh Beat Band … these are the new New Kids on the Block. And you know all their lyrics. Sometimes, you even get caught humming their tunes. But that’s okay because only other dads (or tweens) will know what you’re doing.
4. You own and use picture frames
You never used to be into pictures, especially not enough to frame them. But once you met your lovely, you added a couple to your living space to show off your catch, er, and your commitment. Now you have a desk adorned in picture frames of your progeny. Is anything cuter? Seriously. You know your kids are smarter and cuter than all others and worthy of the best display. And that 8 x 10 that houses the Crayola-crafted masterpiece littered with backward “S”es? It’s evidence that you haven’t yet reached the point where you feel okay about tossing any of your little one’s artwork in the round file (rookie).
5. You don’t leave home without a camera
The aforementioned presence of picture frames is a pretty obvious indicator that documentation has become a priority in your life. But not quite as obvious as that bulky SLR Camera with the big-ass lens hanging around your neck. And is that a video camera tucked away in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? For both our sakes, I’m gonna assume the former. Because, lets face it, bringing a regular ol digital camera to a soccer game might make you a dad. But running the sidelines, screaming (a bit too loud, for what its worth) as you get your Steven Spielberg on? Oh yeah. You’re a dad, bro.
6. Your DVR is at max capacity
Everyone knows that the living room TV can be a hotly contested commodity. The winners enjoy their shows. The losers? At least they can take solace in the DVR. And if you show me one that’s almost maxed on memory, then I’ll show you a dad. But for his sake, let’s just hope that the shows the DVR has recorded are iCarly, Victorious and Shake it Up. Because if they’re NCIS, Modern Family and The Office? Then you need to man up, Dad, and pry that remote out of your kids’ hands. While you’re at it, make ‘em clean up all those crumbs they left in your chair.
7. You wear some pretty weird stuff
Getting strange looks and wondering why? Could be the laminated purple tie that’s hanging around you neck — the one your daughter proudly presented you with during “Donuts with Dads.” Don’t worry, you’re not alone — I’ve made my share of unusual fashion statements as well. Like the name tag that read Mr. John in crayon that I accidentally sported for hours after my stint as kindergarten volunteer had ended. Or the tri-colored, braided necklace I once wore to the gym. So next time you see a poor fella making such a fashion statement, cut him slack, will you? He’s just a dad.
8. You proudly display artwork which borderline demeans you
See that monstrosity? It’s a drawing of yours truly. Forget that the left side of my face is bulging out as if experiencing the gravitational pull of a large planet. And also forget that the zipper on my breast pocket looks like Uncle Jed’s shotgun. Take a gander at the top of my head, and disregard the fact that my real hair isn’t six inches off my ears. See that flesh-toned circle surrounded by a halo of hair? It’s a rather unflattering depiction of my bald spot. Yet it may be my favorite detail of my favorite drawing EVER. It’s hanging in the kitchen.
9. There’s poorly made pottery on your tables
That brownish lump of whatever it is (fossilized Play-Doh? Clay?) sitting amongst the picture frames on your desk? The thing that’s holding all those pencils, well except for the one that keeps slipping out of the massive hole in the bottom, is called pottery. And it was created by little hands eager to convey the love inside their big hearts. So yeah, it might look more phallic than you care to openly admit, but you couldn’t be more proud.
10. A “World’s Best Dad” coffee mug
… or an iron-on t-shirt with your kids’ faces alongside “#1 dad,” or, if you’re lucky, a beer koozie that assigns its holder the moniker “world’s greatest daddy” … you get the drift. If you own anything that advertises your parental prowess and/or touts your superiority in the ways of fatherhood, you’re definitely a dad. Now, obviously, the word “dad” is a dead giveaway. But that’s not the point here. The point is 20 years ago you never thought you’d be that guy. Yet now? Looks like things have changed. Welcome to the club.