What was once the domain of rowdy college co-eds has now become a centralized hub for new parents. You can’t so much as check your status updates without seeing some adorable tyke smiling a toothless grin or a parent giving the latest update on what their little genius is up to today. With everyone from Dr. Sears to CafeMom hanging up their FB shingle, it seems this former bastion of social networking cool has been taken over entirely by parents – oftentimes with mixed results. Here are the five biggest offenders.
The Bragger Parent
As the most popular type of parent, this category has trapped even the most well-meaning moms and dads. While your progeny may have walked early, used an adverb correctly or even commented on the recent health care debate, does everyone really need to hear about it? Sure, occasional bragging is part of the parental bill of rights, but abuse of this privilege can be met with swift exclusion from friend lists. And though your pals would not mention anything to your face, you can tell by your ever-waning wall activity that it’s time to put a lid on it.
The Whiner Parent
Baby been keeping you up all night? Spitting up his food? Won’t go poopy on the potty? Say hello to the Whiner Parent. Always complaining about their sleep and happiness deprivation, you’d think these parents and their colicky offspring had a monopoly on the crying game. While it’s okay to occasionally post an FB rant to gain much-needed sympathy and even advice from other veteran parent pals, if you’re always complaining prepare to lose some Facebook friends and fast.
The Cool Parent
Oh, the good old halcyon days of all-night clubbing and indie rock concerts. Those were good times. The problem is they’re over and have been replaced with broken sleep cycles and Laurie Berkner concerts. While many parents have changed their wild ways with the arrival of their precious, others refuse to alter their lifestyle or sacrifice their hipness, using Facebook to affirm their undying alternative ways. Expect to see lots of postings for concert attendance, plaintive invites to loft parties and recounts of nights on the town. And while these parents may in fact be having fun, they’re really not fooling anyone.
The Obsessed Parent
Obsessed parents and Facebook go together like peas and pods. After all, where else can these hyper-consumed parents find such a captive audience for their myriad of photos, videos and announcements? This type of parent has completely given up their Facebook identity to their offspring, sticking their baby’s photos smack dab where their own used to be. Of course, if you’re going to be obsessed with your baby, Facebook is as good a place as any – beats whipping out your iPhone baby pics at parties.
The Zen Parent
“Oh, this little thing? It’s just my thirty-pound toddler that I lug around on my back. Is he heavy? No, quite light actually. It’s really much easier than it looks.” The Zen parent is a relatively new phenomenon brought about by sustainable living and attachment parenting philosophies and they are multiplying by the droves. Common posts include pithy aphorisms about the joys of parenting and the general beauty of the world. Based on their posts, you’d think their babies have never shed a tear in their life. Yeah, we get it. Life is great. Babies are wonderful. Being a mom is the best thing you’ve ever done. Bleary-eyed parents with spit up on your shirts take note: Their babies are probably pooping their pants even as you read.