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Parenting is an adventure. It’s kind of like trying to light a fire with two sticks, except someone peed on one stick and someone else lost the other one, probably in the same black hole as the last two pieces in your kid’s Elsa puzzle. When was the last time you tried to light a fire, though? No, it wasn’t when your mother-in-law knitted you that jumpsuit, it was when you were a Girl Scout!
You might not be a Girl Scout anymore, although you still do like the cookies a bit too much … but if you were a Mom Scout today, what would your badges look like?
Here are some ideas I came up with, to get the ball rolling:
Peerless Potty Trainer Badge
To earn this one, you need to have cleaned up at least three accidents from carpeting, five from hardwood, and one from the car seat. Furthermore, you need to have been consistent with a sticker chart for at least three weeks, and just leaving it hanging up there on the wall doesn’t count. You need to be unflaggingly cheerful and encouraging and not yell even once when your child laughs and poops right on your carpet. And if you don’t and it still goes well, who cares about the badge? You have a potty-trained toddler, and that’s worth more than a million badges.
Julia Child Badge
If you get dinner on the table 5 nights a week, this badge is yours for the taking. Yes, the carrot sticks and peanut butter sandwiches count; you remembered the vegetable! Get on with your gourmet self.
Super Wife Badge
This one goes to the mom who deals with her kids whining all day long and then sees them act like angels with their father when he walks in the door. And then she doesn’t even give him dirty looks or sigh self-pityingly.
Daughter-in-Law of the Year Badge
If you act like you actually like the mountains of plastic toys that your mother-in-law buys for your kids, and you take some of her advice (or at least pretend to), you’re a contender for this badge. If you call her “Mom” with a smile on your face, you get two of them.
Laundry Hero Badge
This is the sparkling, clean badge you get for doing eight loads of laundry in one day. Yes, eight. Because of the stomach flu, and no you don’t want to explain any more about it. This badge is related to the …
Florence Nightingale Badge
This goes to the mom who nurses multiple kids through sickness while she’s sick herself. You only get the badge if your husband is also on a work trip and there is a plumbing emergency that precludes use of all the toilets.
If you made your daughter an Elsa cake this year and/or can bang out some themed cupcakes, personalized party favors, and a papier mache replication of the moment that Elsa and Anna embrace, you’ve got this badge in the bag. Note: We expect you to bedazzle it.
If you know the names of at least four moms of kids in your child’s preschool class, have gone to a Moms Night Out since the birth of your second child, and have gone to one date night this calendar year without your kids (or with just the baby), you have earned this badge, Paris Hilton. Make sure to audition for the next Real Housewives show, too.
The No Phone Badge
If you’ve been intent on spending every second glued to your children’s bright smiling faces and have never checked Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or even your email while in their presence, then you have earned this badge with the sweat of your brow. Note: the last time this badge was awarded was 2007.
Awesome Mommy Badge
If you have kissed your child good night every night, given at least one hug a day, and made up some reason that the deer was on the side of the road that time that doesn’t mention death, you’re in the running. If you’ve also fed your kid every single day, attempted vegetables at least once a week, and sang songs in the car that make your kid smile, you have this one in the bag.
Spoiler: it’s the only badge that really matters anyway.
Starting your potty training journey? Visit the Pull-Ups® Big Kid Academy for tools, activities, and resources to make potty training fun for you and your toddler!More On