Oh, sure, breastfeeding is a great way to bond with your baby and it’s pretty much liquid gold, but when it comes to the day-to-day realities of what it’s like to feed another human being with your boobs, it ain’t always easy. Case in point:
1. The face grab.
Here, Mom, let me explore your mouth with my fingers. So fun! And what’s this, a nose?! Why yes, yes it is my nose.
2. The danger of dangly earrings.
There was a time in my life I used to love dangly earrings. Now, they just represent danger.
3. The foot-up-the-nose move.
Have you ever had five little piggies shoved up your nose? Maybe they should have all stayed home …
4. The look-across-the-room eater.
My daughter just loooves to see what her big sisters are up to or flash a fetching smile at her Dad across the room in the middle of a nursing session. The only problem? She doesn’t exactly grant me the courtesy of removing my nipple from her mouth first. Ouch.
5. The distracted baby.
I just don’t understand why my babies can’t just eat (drink?) their meals in peace. Oh no. They have to smack me in the face, grab my skin, pull my hair, or otherwise entertain themselves while I try to defend myself from the onslaught of chubby baby fingers. Also, am the only one whose baby has given them an actual titty twister?
6. The evil that is mastitis.
In the great irony of life, I got hit with my BFF mastitis right when I started writing this piece. A fever of 101 and six hours of sweaty, broken sleep later, I contemplated how to describe mastitis to a non-nursing person. And the best I could come up with is this: imagine someone dropped you off of a cliff, dragged your body across gravel until it ached in places you didn’t know were possible, stuffed a swollen bowling ball under your skin, and then stabbed you with razorblades. Oh, and the only way to get better? Is to get stabbed with razorblades every two hours. You’re welcome!
7. The creepy man watcher.
I am all about breastfeeding in public (what’s the alternative? Being a prisoner in your own home?). But I will admit that my proud breastfeeding flag gets a little bent out of shape when I encounter the slow-down-and-take-my-sunglasses-off-for-a-better-second-look creepy man watcher. #truestory
8. The precarious dash from the shower to get dressed.
Milk spots on the floor, anyone?
9. The torture that is a baby sleeping through the night for the first time.
Glorious, but oh so very painful.
10. The knock on the door the second you sit down to nurse the baby.
Seriously, it never, ever fails. And you know it’s the moment that your milk is letting down, so should you choose to detach your offspring, you will be dealing with the incredible shooting fountains all over your living room. Let’s hope that UPS package was worth it.More On