Your ’20s get a false reputation for being the most attractive decade of your life. No matter how adorable you were in your innocent and doe-eyed pre-kids phase (and no, I don’t care about that bender in Vegas; anyone is considered innocent until they’ve been pooped on in public), I am going to present ten reasons why you’re even more appealing now.
As you’ve figured out by now, I like a challenge. That’s why I had three kids.
1. You’re more laid back.
Remember how you used to compulsively devour Seventeen magazine in hopes of a glimpse into the brains of the decidedly brainless guys you had crushes on in high school? The articles always said guys prefer laid-back girls, which sent you into a panic spiral, “But I plan my outfits 15 days in advance and I’ve already done my history paper that’s due in three weeks! I’m going to die alone!” Well, read it and weep, hot young girls who love to drink PBR and play pool – moms are in fact the most chillaxed of them all. Minutes to get ready? Try THREE AND A HALF. Planning ahead? Try I HAVE NO MILK IN THE FRIDGE. Where’s my third kid on the playground? Try I HAVE NO IDEA. Check and mate.
2. You know the power of your looks.
No, this isn’t the April Fools’ issue, and yes, I know about your bladder leakage. But honestly, when you were in your cute early 20s, did you know how hot you were? Nope. You kept thinking you looked fat or hairy or asymmetrical or something. Now whenever you manage to put on jeans instead of yoga pants, you look in the mirror and think, “Bam, I’d hit that.”
3. Your sexual confidence.
In college you were too shy to tell your fumbling partners where your vagina was, never mind anything more specific. Now you only have 28 minutes before the baby wakes up and that has to include getting dressed again. So you’re going to tell your husband what you want, when you want it (whether it refers to sex or which reality TV show you’re going to watch while you eat pretzels). Get on with your bad self, you sex goddess, you.
4. You’re an earth mother now.
All those cookies you baked for your husband before babies, they don’t hold a care-taking candle to cleaning up the vomit of three kids who contracted the flu sequentially, while you still manage to read Goodnight Moon, give hugs, and wear the baby. Everyone loves a nurturer. That’s why Angelina Jolie is so hot. Well that, and her face and body.
5. You’re more outgoing.
Remember the anxiety of college orientation? There’s a reason it was full of those awkward icebreaker games designed to help your insecure teenage self make new friends. But all that’s changed post-kids. Show me a woman who can get through a child’s infancy and toddlerhood without befriending at least a couple of random other moms in the park to alleviate the soul-crushing boredom and isolation of childcare, and I’ll show you … no one. She doesn’t exist. Every single mom talks to random people once she has kids. How extroverted. How sexy.
6. You get things done like a boss.
You can function on no sleep, watch multiple kids all day without any of them dying, have something that resembles dinner on the table every night, and even do a craft project or museum outing here and there, all with a (tired, half-grimacing) smile on your face. Your pre-kids self recoiled at the thought of a 7:30 am yoga class. Now, at 7:30, you’ve been up for two hours and organized the playroom like a boss. And getting things done without whining is an attractive trait. Tell that to your husband.
7. You’re nicer.
Having kids makes you more empathic, because after all, every jerk who cut you off in traffic used to be someone’s little baby. But that guy must not have had a mom as good as you to raise him to act like that. Just saying…
8. You’re more self-sufficient.
Remember when you needed help to do something as small as rearranging a house full of furniture? No longer. And on a related note …
9. You’re stronger.
Carrying those kids up and down the stairs every day is good for something, and it’s not fostering independence in your offspring. It’s your muscles! As in, now you have some. In your arms. For real. And nothing is hotter than a strong woman. Unless it’s a really hot strong woman.
10. You’re not selfish.
You used to focus on you, you, you. If your boss didn’t acknowledge the work you put in on a project, you would ruminate about it for weeks. Now, having your work not recognized is your very identity! You focus on yourself approximately once a day when you look in the mirror to make sure others can’t tell you skipped showering, then you turn to the needs of your family.
You’re like some really attractive prairie pioneer woman who has to plow her own field, except in this case it’s find the iPad for your oldest while nursing your youngest and pretending to listen to your husband’s work story.
So who’s hot now, stretchmark-less previous version of ourselves? Wait… don’t answer that.