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12 Things I’d Say to My Toddlers If They Were Adults

Image source: Thinkstock
Image source: Thinkstock

When it comes to parenting toddlers, (I have two) it’s like I have a running dialogue going on constantly in my head — none of which actually comes out of my mouth. Why? 90% of it just would not be appropriate for their small ears. I’m sorry, but am I the only parent of toddlers who keeps myself amused with biting one-liners that only I will ever hear?

But … if they were adults, and could get my irony, humor, wit, and sarcasm, I think they’d laugh. Maybe one day …

1. “I have to say I’m pretty appalled that you like Barney more than Yo Gabba Gabba. Come on, there’s no contest.”

2. “Go ahead, I dare you to drop your sippy cup on the floor and ask me to pick it up again. I’m just going to stand over here.”

3. “Here you go. More juice. But want to know something? It’s actually water that I put some food coloring in to get you to be quiet.”

4. “Are you actually going to have the nerve to wipe your nose on my skirt one more time?”

5. “Sure, you can have toothpaste for dinner. That sounds like a totally great plan. Thanks for the brilliant parenting advice.”

6. “You’ve hidden in the same hide-and-seek spot 12 times. Is that really the best you can do?”

7. “I’m sorry, baby, but I really, really don’t care about that cat that crosses the street every morning.”

8.  “Wow, yes, that firetruck is so cool. Just like the last four we saw this week.”

9. “Where is that paper hat you made in preschool yesterday, you ask? Did you really expect me to keep it after you mangled it, ripped it, and threw it on the floor of the car?”

10. “Can you please ask to watch Barney again? You know how much Mommy loves that show! Please? Please?”

11. “You realize there is no logic to complaining to me that the diaper pail is smelly. Can you see that there is a correlation between that and the fact that I’m practically on my knees begging you to use the potty?”

12. “I can’t wait for the day when you’re old enough to laugh about the way you pronounce the word ‘truck.’ ‘Cause the serious look on your face right now is too much.”

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