I read a rant on Facebook that struck a nerve with me. The tirade was written by a random person who was complaining about parents who miss work because of their kids. “It isn’t fair!” she whined about her breeding counterparts. “Why should they get a day off just because their kid is sick or has some assembly at school?”
Yeah, that’s it. We parents just sit around and think of ways to get out of work. We like worrying about losing our jobs. It’s fun wondering if we’ll have enough money to pay the bills this month if we miss a couple days. And really, there’s nothing more enjoyable than feeling like we’re horrible parents when we’re forced to choose work over our kids (or even when we merely consider choosing work.) There’s nothing we parents like more than being passed over for a promotion because we took a couple days off when our kids were puking across the room Linda Blair style. And I personally can’t think of anything better than the overwhelming guilt of missing my kid’s debut as celery in the 1st grade’s production of Healthy Foods Rock. In fact, we love it all so much that we’ve come up with these amazing excuses to get out of work just to tick off our childless coworkers. It’s what we do. Or maybe, just maybe, these are not made-up excuses, but actual reasons why my friends and I have had to stay home from work, go in late, or leave early.
I have to leave to meet a plumber and find out which kid put something down the toilet.
I won’t be able to come in today. I took my hair off to wash it and my daughter picked it up while it was drying. Unfortunately, she went to school already and I can’t imagine where she put it.
I can’t come in today. My kid ate the cat’s litter box crunchies and needs his stomach pumped.
School is cancelled because the city is turning off their water for the day, and I have no one else to watch my child.
I’ll be in late because my kid threw up on me as we were leaving the house.
My son jumped off the top bunk into the ceiling fan which was going full-speed, cut his eyelid, and now needs stitches.
I’ll be late today because my kid had to poop and he was constipated so it took a while.
I have to leave work early. My son is in hysterics at home because there is a raccoon staring at him through the closed patio door.
I’ll be a little late today because my son’s hamster got out of his cage and managed to chew the cord on my new refrigerator and I have to wait for the repairman to come over and fix it.
I won’t be in today because I’m at the ER with my son who thinks he’s Tony Hawk.
I won’t be in today. My child fell on the dog and I have to take him to the vet right away.
My teenage son and I got in a fight this morning and he stole my car.
I have to leave work early. My daughter called and said there’s a homeless man bathing in the fountain in my front yard and she’s scared he’ll come into the house after he’s done!
I’ll be late today because my 5-year-old girl left the upstairs window open and the dog chased the cat out the window. He’s scared half to death, howling on the roof now.
I’m going to be late today because I can’t find my car keys. My son said he used them in his sand castle. I’m headed outside to search the sandbox.
To the childless employee who thinks it isn’t fair that parents sometimes have to miss work for their kids, all I have to say is — wanna trade? No, seriously, wanna trade? I’ll go to work and get paid and you can wrestle with the overwhelming guilt and anxiety that comes from calling your boss to tell him you have to stay home because your just-barely-potty-trained toddler is having diarrhea of epic proportions (oh and by the way, do you have a good carpet steamer I could borrow?)
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