15 Real and Ridiculous Things I Have Done While Holding a Baby

Image Source: Chaunie Brusie
Image Source: Chaunie Brusie

It wasn’t until the other day when I had a friend over and was trying to make my son a PB&J one-handed, which involved sitting the baby on the counter and wrapping my arm around her back while simultaneously spreading peanut butter on the bread and caught my friend staring incredulously at me that I realized how strange it probably looked to her.

I know I should probably put the baby in a carrier more, but for whatever reason, I generally don’t bother. I seem to be racing from one thing to the next so much and the baby wants to eat every 5 seconds anyways that for the most part? I’m doing a lot of baby-holding.

So I thought back on all of the things I have actually done one-handed while holding a small child of sorts. (And in related news, “mom bicep” is a very real thing, you guys.)

1. Peed. 

Yup, I went there. I’m pretty sure I got bonus gross points for doing this in a bathroom stall with two other kids in tow, too.

 2. Made an entire lasagna. 

Did it today in fact. Didn’t even get one splatter of sauce on the baby either.

3. Wrote this post. 

Ha. Only a tiny bit of slobber on my keypad = a pretty good work day.

 4. Exercised. 

It’s a nice thought in theory, the whole “exercising with the baby” movement, (I know one mom who posted a picture of herself doing a ballet class with her baby while nursing which still makes me feel inadequate) but the reality of it is usually quite frustrating. The only thing really doable is the squatting, which babies may actually find fun.

5. Carried laundry up three flights of stairs. 

I always feel like I should be balancing the laundry on my head when I do this.

6. Fallen down the stairs. 

This was an unfortunate incident involving a chubby baby, my attempt at vacuuming the stairs, and inheriting superb clumsiness from my own mother. Fortunately the baby was not harmed, but the vacuum, unfortunately, did not make it.

7. Done a full grocery shop.

I always start out my grocery shopping with the best of intentions. A quick trip with the baby napping in the car seat (just the essentials, I tell myself) or a brave trek with the baby in the carrier never fails to turn into a “Mom, you must be insane to think I will be happy anywhere except in your arm” struggle through the store. If you’ve ever done the slow push-the-cart-with-your-body-while-holding-a-baby, you know exactly how hard this can be.

 8. Contained a screaming, flailing toddler.

You might not think this would be an impressive feat until you’ve actually done it, but tantruming two-year-olds carry the strength of a thousand warriors within their bones. Or, in other words, they are freaking strong.

 9. Fallen asleep.

Actually, this isn’t accurate. I was only half-asleep. Falling asleep while holding a baby is a curious half-sleep phenomenon only known to mothers. We are still able to rest, yet half of our brain is still functioning on a conscious level, just waiting for the baby to wake up.

10. Taken a shower.

This is the real reason moms never get to shave their legs.

11. Ran IV medications into a sick baby.

Being a working mom is no joke, guys. I once had to nurse my baby (in the physical sense) while manning the IV pump of the baby I was taking care of at the hospital as a nurse (in the profession sense).

12. Used a Porta-a-Potty. With a two-year-old.

I still have nightmares about this one. For the record, the two-year-old was the one using the Porta-a-Potty, but I think this actually made it worse, considering the fact that for some reason he can’t do his business without getting fully nude. (In other news, WTF?)

13. Done my make-up.

Seriously, almost every morning that I wear make-up. Which, OK, fine, isn’t very often. But it still happens. Sometimes.

14. Went on national TV.

Good times, good times.

15. Hiked three miles with two other children.

I assure you I’m not insane, but simply the victim of an ill-timed stroller breakdown. Apparently, hand-me-down double strollers are not actually meant to pile three children on and push up hills repeatedly. Who knew?

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done while holding a baby? 

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