Unlike some moms, I don’t wonder if my kids will one day require therapy for wrongs I have committed. I wonder if they are going to sue me — for malpractice, for defamation, for breach of contract or worse. Because I would definitely be guilty as charged. These are the mom mistakes, mishaps and mind-slips I suspect they’re most likely to take me to court for …
1. I sometimes cleaned their faces with spit.
Oh, the abuse!
2. When the kids came into our bedroom too early in the morning, I’d pretend to be asleep.
3. For years, their bedtime remained the same: 8 o’clock.
That’s illegal! Or it ought to be!
4. I served them non-organic food.
Even ones with preservatives. Even mac ‘n cheese in which the cheese came in powder form.
5. Once, I forgot that it was school picture day …
… and I sent my son to school in a T-shirt that said “Monster Force.”
6. Another time, I accidentally served him a chunk of wasabi.
In my defense, I thought it was a piece of avocado.
7. I’ve tossed art projects and drawings.
Surely even Picasso’s mom ditched his no-totally-genius creations.
8. I wouldn’t let them have bathtub finger paints.
What? They stain the tiles!
9. “That American Girl doll? I reallllllllly wanted? When I was 5 and 1/2? And you refused to buy it for me?”
Oh right … that. Yeah, I didn’t buy that.
10. I liked to take bites of their desserts and licks of their ice-cream cones.
That just might count as “emotional distress.”
11. I made them come inside for bedtime …
… even though all the other kids’ moms let them stay out late.
12. All those lies about The Tooth Fairy.
Surely that was misrepresentation?
13. I forgot to fill out forms for school trips …
… and assorted other events.
14. I did not let them get iPhones.
Well, until they were teens.
15. They didn’t receive equal sizes of birthday cake.
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