Living with children is like surrounding yourself with wee charlatans who will only pay for your time with fool’s gold. They are drunk with the power of having edibly adorable faces — damn you, genetics! — and have no problem perjuring themselves in the courthouse of your home, weaving falsehoods with the new words they learn at school, and living the lives of compact con men straight up in your face.
Some are better than others at telling tall tales in order to avoid the ramifications of their ridiculous actions, so it’s good to be on high alert. Know the signs of their charades. Understand when the wool is being pulled over your eyes.
Here are some red flags to look for when trying to determine whether or not your kid is lying to you:
- You ask her, “Are you pooping?” and she delivers a strained, grunted, “NO MAMA” from behind the couch.
- He denies having harmed his sister. Meanwhile, his sister is under him, crying.
- You discover a browser history full of YouTube videos about how to repair broken cabinet doors after your child has denied any knowledge of any broken cabinet doors whatsoever.
- Residue of the thing you told her not to eat is smeared across her entire person as she insists she has not eaten a thing.
- His eyes bug out of his head, zig-zagging in all directions in an effort not to meet yours as he speaks.
- She calls out from the other room to say, “No, I’m not!” but her brother’s muffled cries of, “Yes, yes she is!” can be heard through the pillow she’s holding over his face.
- He answers your question, then runs away at spectacularly impressive speeds.
- The child you are speaking to has one or more siblings she can pin the blame on.
- Her lips are relaying innocence but her body language is relaying run for your life, girl!
- They cheerily call out, “IT WAS NOTHING, LA LA LA” after a loud crash was heard in the other room.
- He is pretending to not be covered in blood. (His or someone else’s.)
- She casually asks where the superglue is kept but not for any particular reason, Mom.
- His “No” comes out as a, ” … nnnnnnooOOOOOOooo … ?”
- She ummmmmms for more than 45 seconds before answering your question.
- He spontaneously walks up to let you know how beautiful you are and that you’re his favorite mom and he loves you very much but maybe don’t go in the garage today because there’s nothing to see in there.
- Your toddler’s lips are moving.