A nice thing about having kids is the unspoken rule that there are very few boundaries when it comes to interacting with them. You’re all on the same weird team, able to do whatever needs to be done without judgement to get through the day. Unfortunately, the ways you’re used to communicating with, rewarding, and managing your kids are completely unacceptable when it comes to dealing with fellow grown-ups.
One must be reminded of this when one is — for example — trapped in a house with one’s kids for long stretches of time without exposure to other grown-ups. Not that anyone here has licked her thumb and wiped something off another adult’s face without warning or breaking conversation, which resulted in a horribly awkward moment; but let’s not go on and on about these “hypothetical” situations, okay?
Let’s just take a moment to have a friendly reminder of all the things that are perfectly cool to do to your own offspring, but seem to be considered socially unacceptable/possibly illegal to do to the adults around you:
- Pretend to steal his nose to get out of an awkward conversation.
- Grab her head and turn it to get her to change directions without question.
- Force him to go play outside until he’s in a better mood.
- Say you’re gonna “eat her face” because she’s so adorable.
- Pick his teeth without asking first.
- Yell, “BUP! BUP! BUP!” while she’s speaking, letting her know she needs to stop talking nonsense right this instant.
- Open your eyes SUPER WIDE at her in a Crazy Mom Face from across the room to ensure she starts using better manners, immediately.
- Casually lift her up without warning, blow raspberries on her belly, then put her back down and keep walking, as a way to show her she’s kind of your favorite thing today.
- Grab his cute little butt when you hug him.
- Start loudly counting to three to get him to stop doing what he’s doing which is annoying you.
- Silently point to the car to let him know his bad behavior will not be tolerated, so his time in public is over now.
- Kiss her boo-boo after putting a bandage on it.
- Use the fact that something will turn his tongue purple as the main persuasion point in getting him to eat it.
- Make her believe you are a scientist who can do a scientific test to confirm whether or not she just washed her hands after using the bathroom, ensuring she runs back in there to soap up.
- Smell his butt and say, “Go” so he stops crop dusting the living room and poops it out like he clearly needs to.
- Applaud his successful bowel movement.