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17 Times Motherhood Got a Little Too Real

Image Source: Lauren Hartmann
Image Source: Lauren Hartmann

Motherhood is chock full of wonderful moments. Beautiful little memories that will be treasured in your heart of hearts for years to come. There’s the memory of your baby’s first laugh, the first time your toddler said “I love you” sans solicitation, and the way your sweet girl looks as she bounds through the sprinkler — all giggles and curls. I love moments like that. And really, don’t we all?

Well, as wonderful as those moments are, there also comes a time when things start to get real … a little too real. The moments that are awkward and unglamorous and that you’d probably rather forget. Here are a few of those moments I’ve experienced.

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  1. The time I had to purchase the items on my birthing supply list for my home water birth, including a goldfish net. (If you don’t know what that’s for, then you probably don’t want to.)
  2. The time my daughter asked what the name for her nipples was in a store’s dressing room. After I told her, she shouted loudly, “Mom! You have nipples!” and then proceeded to yell “NIPPLES!” at the top of her lungs. Over and over again.
  3. That time my baby boy had his first erection during a diaper change and looked up and giggled. Awkward.
  4. That time we were at a playdate and my son came up, yanked down my top, and started pointing and saying “Boo! Boo!” loudly and repeatedly.
  5. The time my 3-year-old puked all over the car on the way to a doctor’s appointment and I had to do damage control with baby wipes on the side of the freeway (dry heaving the entire time).
  6. The time after the aforementioned puke incident when I had to dismantle the carseat, scrub off the vomit, and then use my degree in rocket science to put it back together.
  7. The time I realized it had been seven days since I’d had a proper shower.
  8. The time my kid sneezed applesauce all over my face and in my mouth.
  9. The time my child very loudly and insistently got someone’s gender wrong at our doctor’s office and would. not. shut up. about it.
  10. That time postpartum when I started shedding all my hair Alaskan Malamute style and it grew back in the form of crazy, curly, fluff bangs.
  11. EVERY single morning when my children decide they hate sleep and want to wake up at ridiculously early hour.
  12. That time I had no clue what I was doing and they actually let me bring home a real-life human from the birthing center and actually entrusted it to my care.
  13. That hellish part of childbirth known as “the ring of fire” during both of my drug-free births with jumbo babies (8 lbs. 7 oz. and 10 lbs. 8 oz. respectively). Don’t believe the hippies. It hurts like hell!
  14. The time my toddler affixed a “good job” sticker to my breast (over a shirt) and then I forgot about it and proceeded to cluelessly walk around the grocery store with it on.
  15. The time my baby had the biggest blowout of all time … all over me while sitting on my lap at a coffee shop … 40 minutes from my house.
  16. The first time I ever used a breast pump and had to wear one of those suuuuper sexy pumping bras with the cut-outs.
  17. Basically every time I take my children grocery shopping by myself. Tantrums and tears typically ensue and I am usually left questioning my life’s choices.
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