33 Things I’d Be Doing Right Now If I Didn’t Have Kids

Image Source: Meredith Carroll
Image Source: Meredith Carroll

As I read more stories about how egg freezing is happening at a rate never before seen, and hear from friends about their struggles to conceive, have a baby alone, or decide on a first, second or third child, I am increasingly relieved with the state of my life. I have had my kids, they’re healthy, and my husband and I feel our family is complete. I adore my children endlessly, and while the same was true when they were itty-bitty, we are finally out of diapers and my wiping-other-people’s-butt days are nearly behind me, which brings an unspeakable amount of joy to my life.

Of course with a 3-year-old and 6-year-old under my roof, I’m hardly done parenting; I’m just done with the questions of if I want to be a parent, can I be a parent, and am I fit to be a parent. For better or worse, all that hay is in the barn.

From time to time, though, I do wonder what I’d be doing right now — as in, right this second — if I didn’t have kids, such as:

  1. Worrying if I should have had kids already.
  2. Not watching a Sex and the City repeat in my bedroom and panicking a child might walk in and ask what the pretty blonde lady is doing to that man.
  3. Not making up excuses about why it’s OK for me to sometimes eat just cheese slices for dinner, but no one else.
  4. Sleeping.
  5. Not working on the weekends because I wouldn’t have to stop work early every afternoon to feed, bathe, read, and wrangle.
  6. Weeknight movies.
  7. Peeing alone. Every time.
  8. Not hiding chocolate.
  9. Drinking less.
  10. Drinking more, but just for fun, not to try and ease the shame of hiding chocolate.
  11. Still sleeping because no one woke me up to put in their breakfast order.
  12. Morning sex.
  13. Sex without the door closed/locked/fearing someone will break down the closed or locked door at any moment.
  14. Reading more (adults books, not Fancy Nancy).
  15. Who am I kidding? I’ll just watch more TV (HBO/Netflix/Amazon, not Disney Junior).
  16. Wondering if it’s too late for me to get pregnant now.
  17. Reading and sleeping on an airplane.
  18. Sighing loudly at whiny children on an airplane.
  19. Traveling with a carry-on not emblazoned with the face of Elsa or Dora.
  20. Not asking at the sushi bar if they can make pasta with butter or chicken nuggets.
  21. Not ever using a toilet in a gas station or fast food restaurant. And definitely never touching the toilet seat in either place.
  22. Not eating someone else’s food off the floor (just my own).
  23. Eating all the food on my plate without needing to defend it from small hands ready to rob and pilfer at any moment.
  24. Napping.
  25. Choosing where I want to sit on the couch and never being relegated to a corner edge while four small feet are planted indiscriminately on my face and back.
  26. Recognizing the grocery store for what it is: A place to go in and grab some sour cream, spinach, or salsa, not a sabbatical.
  27. No longer romanticizing sleep. After all, when you get it where and when you want it, it’s not really a thing anymore.
  28. Rewinding my life to a time when I swore I’d never say things like, “If I have to tell you one more time” and “Because I said so.”
  29. Not strategically placing barf bags and spare clothes in the car for a 20-mile drive in case someone’s lunch and belly decide they’re not compatible.
  30. Definitely not patting myself on the back for finally learning that a lined trash can is better than a bucket for catching (and cleaning) puke.
  31. Feeling accomplished by doing something other than not stepping on a Lego or Lincoln Log in the middle of the night.
  32. Calculating how old I’d be when my kids graduate from college if I got pregnant right this second.
  33. Since math isn’t my strong suit, going back to sleep. (Maybe sleep isn’t a thing thing if you don’t have kids, but that doesn’t mean it’s still not a totally awesome thing to do.)
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Article Posted 5 years Ago

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