35 Thoughts Every Parent Has at the Pumpkin Patch

Image source: Lori Garcia
Image source: Lori Garcia

Few things are more precious than a family’s annual pilgrimage to the pumpkin patch.

Decked out in your finest flannel, you pack up the Radio Flyer and DSLR to head off to the patch in hopes of harvesting Insta-perfect fall memories with your littlest pumpkins. And why shouldn’t you? Autumn is all about family. So if the weather’s crisp and the kids are excited and the plaid is on point, what could possibly go wrong?

More than we tend to remember.

Carve into the cornucopia of thoughts every parent has while patching it with their kin:

  1. A parking spot! A parking spot! My minivan for a parking spot!
  2. Wait, pumpkins cost how much?
  3. I’m here for the pictures. I’m here for the pictures. PUMPKINS! I mean, pumpkins …
  4. I shouldn’t have worn my good boots.
  5. “No, we can’t get nine pumpkins.”
  6. Excuse me, pardon me.
  7. “Sweetie, the scarecrows aren’t for sale”
  8. Crap, they have face painting.
  9. And a giant inflatable slide.
  10. Aaaaaand a freaking bounce house.
  11. And yet, no bathroom. One billion bouncing children and no bathroom.
  12. “No honey, the slide costs money.”
  13. “Yes, the face painting costs money, too.”
  14. “So does the inflatable slide.”
  15. “Because I only have enough money for pumpkins.”
  16. “Yes, I see the money machine right there.”
  17. “Look at me! Look at me! Say cheese!”
  18. Excuse me, pardon me.
  19. Is that Elsa? Pfft. Save Frozen for the Christmas tree lot.
  20. “Hold on kids, let’s take a family selfie! Smile! Act like we’re having fun!”
  21. “Hold on, I need to set down my pumpkin spice latte.”
  22. “No, you can’t push the wagon. I can barely push the wagon.”
  23. This wagon needs a drink holder.
  24. “I said a ’round’ pumpkin.”
  25. “Please don’t jump on the pumpkins.”
  26. This pumpkin? Are you sure? Let’s look around some more.”
  27. Move it, folks. I’m trying to take a picture here.
  28. “Sure, I’ll take a picture of you in the Minion carnival cutout that has nothing whatsoever to do with fall.”
  29. “We can totally roast the pumpkin seeds, honey!”
  30. There is no way we’re roasting the pumpkin seeds.
  31. “Sweetheart, you don’t have to carry the pumpkin. Put it in the wagon. Put it in the wagon. Just put it in the — please don’t drop the — oops!”
  32. [Insert Smashing Pumpkins joke]. Chuckle with husband.
  33. “Scoot in closer on the hay bale. Yes, I know it’s scratching your butt. Real quick, pretend to like each other. Please stop scratching your butt. Smile!”
  34. “Hey, that’s a cute shot! I think we got it. We can go now.”
  35. Oh yeah, we still need to find pumpkins …
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Article Posted 4 years Ago

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