One-year-olds, as cute and ambitious as they might be, are also a massive pain in the butt sometimes.
They’re still babies. But they’re babies with attitudes. They wreak havoc.
Sometimes I look around my house, and I look at my adorable one-year-old guy Charlie, and the movie Animal House comes to mind.
Here are five ways my one-year-old, much like a frat boy out of control, is driving me nuts, destroying my house, and trying to induce a heart attack in me (while still charming me to pieces, of course):
1. He throws stuff.
Charlie throws anything and everything. He doesn’t give A DAMN. I hand him a cracker, he flings it. I put some noodles on his highchair tray, he whips the whole fistful across the room, scattering noodles pretty much everywhere but in his belly.
When he’s not in a high chair throwing food? He’s in his crib, throwing anything within his reach. Just the other night, I opened his bedroom door, and there was Charlie, grinning at me from his crib. His diaper was tossed over to one side of the room, his blankets were scattered carelessly all over the floor, and his bottle was jammed down in the narrow slit of space between the crib and the wall.
But best of all?
The contents of his diaper were down on the carpet looking up at me like a buffalo chip on the Great Plains.
Charlie couldn’t stop laughing.
2. He walks like a crazy drunk guy.
Maybe it’s because Charlie is my third kid that I don’t get all verklempt about him walking as I might have with my other kids. Truth be told, the way he walks around makes me feel like I’m hanging out with the late, great, Chris Farley after like 22 Budweisers.
3. OMG! He’s really LOUD!
When my man, Charlie, was standing in line for voice boxes, they must’ve given him one of those football game air horns by mistake. Because that’s what sounds off whenever dude opens his mouth.
People who have quiet, tender babies … I envy you.
But I kinda I hate you, too.
4. He hates childish toys!
Charlie has the indomitable curiosity that charms every parent when they stare down at their own one-year-old. He moves from room to room with wide eyes, always looking for something to dig into or discover. It’s a beautiful thing, of course. Except for the fact that with Charlie, if it was specifically designed to entertain a little person in a safe, fun way and it costs mom or dad a few bucks to bring it home, he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with it.
5. He’s a hot head!
Of all our kids, Charlie makes the other ones look like Buddhist monks. This guy is bananas! You try taking a crayon out of his hand so he doesn’t eat it (or the rest of it, the way things usually go) and you’d better be prepared for the State Police to come ’round. I’m not lying.
Once I tried to gently pry a whole Oreo out of Charlie’s chubby little grip so I could prevent him from maybe choking or whatever. He looked straight into my eyes and I swear he let out a burst of flames that singed my face and blew me back across the room and right against the wall.
So yeah, my one-year-old is a baby dragon.
And that probably explains everything.More On