Ah, school programs. The excitement. The nerves. The music. The little voices. It’s enough to make your parental cup runneth over with pride.
But pride isn’t the only thing we feel as audience members. Take a look at 50 thoughts every parent has during a school performance:
1. This school parking lot is so small! Kids have parents who drive cars, you know.
2. Darn! There’s already a line to get in. They should give out wristbands for this sort of thing.
3. Hey lady with 15 relatives, no butts, no cuts, no coconuts. We’ve been standing in this line for 25 minutes.
4. I should have brought the good camera.
5. I bet the battery in the good camera is dead anyway. Where is that charger?
6. They’re opening the doors. Hurry, hurry, find us a good seat!
7. What do you mean I can’t sit here? You’re saving how many seats? Oh, the whole row? Um, OK then …
8. These rows sure are tight. Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.
9. Grab those seats! GRAB THOSE SEATS!
10. OK, these seats are pretty good. Whew! Now we can relax.
11. It’s blazing hot/freaking freezing in here!
12. Oh yeah, turn off my phone.
13. Should I remind the people around me to turn off their phones? Probably not. I don’t want to be that parent.
14. What time is it?
15. What time is this supposed to start?
16. Crap! The tallest dad in the history of dad-dom just sat in front of me.
17. Are there any other seats available? Desperately scans room. Of course not.
18. I have to go to the bathroom.
19. Should I hold it?
20. What if they start?
21. I’ll hold it.
22. Let’s take a selfie.
23. Wow, it’s really filling up in here.
24. Sorry, I’m saving this seat.
25. Really dude, you’re blocking the entire aisle with that tripod. Are you shooting a feature film? Settle for shoddy mobile video like the rest of us.
26. Ooo, ooo! Here they come! Shhhhh!!!!
27. Where’s my kid? Where’s my kid? I can’t find my kid!
28. Oh, there’s my kid.
29. Aww, my kid’s the cutest.
30. Hi!!!!!!!!!!! Frantically waves hello with both outstretched hands.
31. Uh oh, s/he looks nervous.
32. Oh wait, s/he’s fine.
33. No! S/he’s standing in the back row on the opposite side of the stage. Booooooooo.
34. Tilts head left. Tilts head right. Sigh. I can’t see over this guy’s giant head.
35. That lady did not just answer her cell phone right now. Yes, she did. And she just made plans to meet up at PF Chang’s when this is over.
36. People are rude.
37. PF Chang’s sounds good.
38. Someone farted. OMG, it’s bad. GAG.
39. Aww, cute song.
40. Tee-hee, that kid is making silly faces.
41. Hey lady recording video with the giant iPad, you do know you’re blocking the entire view for the 18 rows of parents sitting behind you, right?
42. I can’t hear the kids very well.
43. That guy in the next row really ought to see a doctor about that cough.
44. Gosh, I have to pee.
45. How many more songs?
46. I can tell the teachers and kids put a lot of work into this.
47. My kid is wicked talented!
48. I should take some pictures.
49. Dammit! Giant dad head in focus, kids distant and blurry. Figures.
50. I really should have brought a chair pad.More On