There is so so much talking involved in parenting toddlers. It’s a constant barrage of bargaining my toddlers down from only wanting to watch TV, eat candy and never, ever getting dressed. Sitting in the stroller? Forget it. What words must be used to get a toddler in a stroller? Nobody knows.
Crazy things come out of my mouth in these instances, like:
1. “We’re out of juice but I’ll spot you some Pedialyte.”
My toddlers and I are in a constant juice battle these days. I wish they didn’t even know what juice was because now it’s the only thing they want. If I say no, they remind me that there’s juice in the fridge. Finally, I stopped buying juice thinking I could curb the begging. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
2. “I’m sorry, that’s the best telescope I’m able to make out of cabbage.”
You know how it goes. It starts off adorably with your toddler playing make-believe with their food. You think they’re a genius and you start to play along. Before you know it, you’re crafting a steering wheel out of butternut squash — and you’re doing it all wrong, according to a three foot person.
3. “Your foot does not itch!”
Did I really say that? Of course I can’t read my little girl’s mind and know whether or not her foot truly itches. But I’ll be darned, her foot only itches when it’s nap time. And I’m tired of scratching her foot. I’ve massaged it, scratched it with a hair brush, patted it, kissed it — absolutely everything I can think of. Her doctor says there’s nothing wrong. I call it “nap foot.”
4. “Fine, I don’t care if you don’t take a bath.”
Um, yes I do. I really, really do. Those sticky, greasy fingers are going to find their way to my bed in the middle of the night and wipe themselves all over my pillows. A bath absolutely must happen. And I need to stop talking like a middle schooler.
5. “You can jump on my head, but not my face.”
Say what? That was a desperate moment right there. My toddlers love to jump all over me and telling them no again and again is such a mood buster. Not to mention, while they’re jumping on me, at least I get to lay down …
6. “Four pacifiers is enough!”
Really? But three isn’t? Why did I break at the number four? Why didn’t I stop at one? Bottom line, there is just no logic when toddlers are involved.More On