It’s been a long summer, friends. A very. long. summer. And while I love my children, I have been dreaming of the day that I can once again have the freedom to sit in peaceful silence and enjoy an Oreo, without having to listen to “MOMMY!! I WANT A COOKIE!”
Someone recently asked me what I’ll do with all that free time. I responded by laughing. Not silent laughter, but hearty, laugh-out-loud guffaws and snorts. What do you mean, what will I do?! OMG, I will be HAVING SO MUCH FUN. The first days of school are the stuff of mom dreams. Some moms might play like they’re sad, and I may even be one of them this year, because my youngest son is starting Kindergarten. But my tears will dry up quickly … and what I mean by “quickly” is, as soon as I peel out of the school parking lot.
1. Revisit that whole “self-care” thing.
After a hot summer of lackadaisical grooming, I’m going to ratchet my standards back up to where they should be. In layman’s terms, I’m going to take a shower until the hot water runs out, and shave my legs — every day. Then I’m going to crank up music with explicit lyrics and sing along loudly as I powder and lotion my body without an audience.
2. Spend as much time as I’d like to on my makeup.
Why? Because I can, because there isn’t a 3-year-old next to me digging into my eye shadow palette. I’m going to enjoy the fact that I don’t have to wonder if a child is coating her body with Vaseline while my back is turned.
3. Take a long hard look at my diet.
This summer I was the laziest I’ve ever been in my entire life. I blew off exercise to do things like lay in bed until 9 AM and eat ice cream for breakfast. I ate exactly two real meals this summer, and both of them were at my mother’s house. So once my kids are out of the way, I’m going to go to shopping for produce all by myself. No one will be pulling bunches of bananas apart or piling hot house tomatoes on the fruit scale until it topples over. No one will be poking finger holes into overly-ripe cantaloupes.
It will be divine.
4. Eat my lunch in beautiful, glorious silence.
When I get home, I’m going to chop every vegetable I bought. Yes, all of them, all at once. I won’t have to worry about chopping off a finger. No one will interrupt me as I construct and consume a salad. And if I don’t want to eat that salad? I’ll dump it straight into the garbage, because no one will be there to question my life choices.
Or, I might be feeling a little premenstrual. Maybe I’ll go get fried chicken and eat it directly out of the bucket. No one will ever know. No one will be around to tell on me.
5. Be a little self-indulgent when no one’s around to judge me.
I will get drive-thru coffees without someone yelling from the backseat about wanting a cake pop or lemonade. I’ll shop in peace without hearing, “Do we have money for that?” or, “That’s a lot of money, Mom,” or, “Are we rich?”
6. Actually answer phone calls.
It’s sad that technically, I could still file this one under “self-indulgence” too, but this is my actual life. Having an entire phone conversation without having to cover the receiver and yell “STOP RIDING THE CAT LIKE A PONY!” really is an indulgent activity. Kind of like how I’m also going to complete a coherent thought without interruption. Totally indulgent.
7. Listen to all those voice messages that have been piling up.
That’s right — all 88 of them, all in one sitting.
I’m sure I’ll miss my kids while they are at school, but that is actually a lie. I will, however, have just enough time to get some work done and pull myself together mentally before they get off the bus every afternoon, and let’s face it: a mom who is able to get things done (like pooping) without interruption is a very happy mom.