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8 Ridiculous Things I’ve Googled Since Having Toddlers

Image source: Thinkstock
Image source: Thinkstock

I can either pray that no one looks at my internet search history, or I can explain myself publicly. Knowing that at least a few of you share my obsession with checking things out via the world wide web, I’m here to air the new levels of absurdity I find myself googling as my daughters plow through their toddler years.

1. “Toddler kills mom.”

There are several versions of this one: “small child strangles adult,” “2 year-old jumped on woman’s stomach causing ribs to break which punctured lungs and caused death.”  I haven’t found anything yet, which is comforting. At least once a week one of my daughters nearly kills me. The amount of physical abuse my body takes from their rough and tumble is insane. Usually, it’s when they jump on my throat that my life flashes before my eyes.

2. “How to stop toddler from drinking bath water.”

Haven’t found the answer to this question yet. If you have any ideas, I’m all ears.

3. “Curtain rod 100 pound weight capacity.”

Everything about shopping online has changed as well. I no longer buy clothes that my toddlers can stain as I’m walking out the door for work. Also, after trying to reattach the living room curtain rods for the millionth time last week, I decided to change strategies. Maybe I could by new curtain rods with the expectation that my daughters were going to hang from the curtains? Game changer.

4. “Non-messy food toddlers.”

Right now food falls into two categories for me: messy and not messy. But the girls are going to be in a wedding soon, and I’m trying to figure out how to keep them fed all day without ruining their dresses. I’m still looking for ideas beyond crackers and water.

5. “Toddler rash.”

This is a nightmarish image search, obviously. And I’ve looked at more photos of rashes during the past few months than anyone should in their lifetime. It’s usually evening bath time that I notice a rash on one of the girls and I have a good 12 hours to obsess before calling the doctor the next morning. Google does nothing to decrease the worry, trust me.

6. “Child uses pacifier forever negative effects.”

How bad could it be? Surely there’s been parents who never bothered, right? Maybe there’s “child-led binky weaning” movement?  If so, I’d like to join! The last thing I want to do is get into a battle with my daughter over her beloved pacifier.

7. “Potassium toxicity” and “Is there such a thing as eating too many bananas?”

I arbitrarily cut my daughter off at five bananas a day. But still, that sounds like a heck of a lot of bananas for such a little person. When she wants her sixth banana, she screams forever and no fruit, goldfish crackers or even cuing up of Frozen can distract her from her goal of MORE BANANAS.

8. “Paper plate parenting.”

It’s a thing, right? Is it? Wait, where are all the search results? I was secretly hoping that someone would tell me that my kids will totally be fine if they eat only off of paper plates for a few years. I’m terrible at getting dishes done and once I tried paper plates, it’s hard going back!

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