Let’s be honest here, when Princess Kate admitted that she did not, in fact, have the picture-perfect pregnancy we all imagined her to be having because of her hyperemesis gravidarum, we all breathed a collective sigh of relief.
Oh, good, we thought. Pregnancy can majorly suck no matter how many titles you have, or how large your clothing budget happens to be.
But let’s face it — giving birth as a princess definitely has its perks. And according to the official brochure of the Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital, where Kate delivered Prince George in 2013 and where she plans to give birth to his royal sibling in the coming days — labor and delivery might just look a bit different when you’re married to the future King of England.
1. First comes birth, then the afternoon tea party.
The hotel services offer an afternoon tea service, which St. Mary’s assures us, is “a welcome treat to celebrate your new arrival.” So quaint! So English! So jealous!
2. Lots of downtime fit for a royal.
While keeping your newborn in your room is pretty common in the U.S., over in Great Britain they’re more accustomed to using nurseries for their babies, meaning Princess Kate will have all the post-delivery rest her little royal heart desires. “The wing’s state of-the-art facilities include a secure, supervised nursery, so you can enjoy some rest while remaining confident that your baby is being well cared for,” the brochure boasts.
3. Midwives rule.
Sorry, U.S. midwives, but in Great Britain, these workers are the team leaders for deliveries — even the complicated ones.
4. The personal male “consultants” are all embarrassingly good-looking.
Like all good systems of patriarchy, the team at St. Mary’s offers midwives and “consultants,” who are of course, male and pictured advising blushing, expectant maidens throughout the brochure. Sleeves rolled up, a stylish slim tie? Well, hello there, sir.
5. Fresh fruit is delivered to your bedside.
We’re talking pineapples, apples, bananas — the good stuff. Because obviously, you will need choices when you’re contracting. Consider them your ladies-in-waiting.
6. Having trouble breastfeeding? No problem.
Unlike in the US of A, where a new mother may be shamed if she chooses not to breastfeed or encouraged to formula feed if she has a difficult baby, Princess Kate will have access to The Trust’s milk bank, “which has been supplying (and receiving) breast milk donations since 1938.” Dang.
7. You will be offered “hotel services.”
No, really, I’m not making this up. It’s not a hospital or a postpartum room — it’s a “hotel.” Amenities include free Wi-Fi, daily newspapers, and turndown service. OK, so I’m kidding about the turndown service, but I wouldn’t put it past them.
8. A 24/7 chef will create custom chocolate masterpieces for you.
“Talented chefs prepare all meals on site to order,” which, apparently, include towering delicate chocolate masterpieces. Um, do you ship internationally?
But the truth is, while I may talk a satirical talk about Princess Kate’s luxurious surroundings while she gives birth, at the end of the day (or night, because even royal babies make their own schedules), birth is birth and I do believe that as women, the journey of childbearing unites us. It’s a different journey for every woman, but from epidurals to natural, vaginal to C-section, Princess to peasant, we are all mothers.
So my best wishes to you Princess Kate, and I hope you enjoy your tea party, pineapple, and delicious chocolate cake along with a happy and healthy baby.More On