Since I have children, I’m an avid reader of WebMD. Their handy-dandy symptom checker allows me to input something as innocuous as a red bump on my son’s forehead and turn it into a disease which will result in him becoming a turtle-unicorn hybrid until he’s 17, at which point he will fly north and spend the rest of his life helping Santa Claus run errands because those reindeers only work on Christmas Day. Lazy jerks.
Despite the wealth of information – and fear — I’m able to procure from the aforementioned website and those of a similar nature, I have yet to come across any science regarding a very serious condition.
Chances are, if you’re reading this you are suffering from it as well and I feel it is my duty to offer you the insight you deserve.
The condition? Momnesia.
– Walking into the kitchen with authority and purpose … and then promptly forgetting why you’re in there.
– Being unable to recall your child’s birthday without the use of the calendar on your phone.
– Foolishly believing you can remember everything on your grocery list when you leave it on the kitchen table.
– Spending 10 minutes frantically searching for your slippers only to have your 3-year-old point out that they’re on your feet.
– Placing your kid’s permission slip somewhere that you’re guaranteed to see it in the morning because it is so overdue. Example: Taping it to the coffee pot
– Washing the same load of laundry 5 times because you never actually transferred it to the dryer. (This is also a symptom of “Sleepliving,” another common ailment that affects moms.)
– Strapping your kids into the stroller, grabbing your keys, and locking the door behind you to head out for a walk only to get down to the mailbox and discover your children are still inside.
– Writing your child’s teacher’s name on your hand before parent-teacher conferences.
– Recalling labor as “not being that bad.”
How it’s transmitted:
The condition is transmitted the first time you make contact with your child. Whether they’ve come from your uterus or an adoption agency, that first hug is not only love at first sight, but is also the moment of which you are affected with this painless, but oftentimes embarrassing, condition.
While there is no way to rid yourself completely of Momnesia, there are some actions you can take to better cope with the condition:
– Ask someone (without kids) to join you as you run your errands. They will remind you where you wanted to go, why you wanted to go there, and where you parked when you’re done.
– Love your children and cultivate their passions and dreams so that they move out ASAP. Empty nest isn’t a cure, but at least there will be one less person making fun of you.
– WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN.
– Take a vacation with your fellow mom friends. No one will laugh when you realize you forgot to pack socks, and you can all swap stories about the funniest place you’ve left your coffee cup.
Momnesia is a lifelong condition and the medical community isn’t doing a damn thing to help us parents out. The good news is that every other mom you meet will be able to commiserate with you about your condition, and will invite you to set up a time to talk about it.
The bad news is you won’t remember to call her.