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Babies Make It Easy* To Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions

Image source: Jamie Kaler
Image source: Jamie Kaler

It’s that time of year … New Year’s Resolutions, here we come. This is the year; I can feel it! Because this year, I have a secret weapon. Or maybe I should say two secret weapons.

What are they, Jamie? Share. Are they secret stones that grants wishes? Talking animals that give you super powers? Did you find “will power”? Nope. Way simpler. I have two kids under the age of 3.

And trust me, that’s all you need.

Resolution: Spend more time with family.

Done. Wow, that was simple. The thing is, with this one, I don’t really have a choice. I go to leave and my wife asks, “Where are you going?” I respond, “Nowhere” and turn around. She says, “That’s what I thought.” Then I change a diaper.

Resolution: Learn something new.

Easy peasy! Every day it seems I’m learning something new. Like how to get a stubborn 2-year-old into a car seat, the proper way to cut grapes to avoid choking, and of course, the quickest route to the emergency room. Every day I say the words, “not going to do that again,” “OK, so that’s the front,” and “wow, I didn’t think that would fit.”

Resolution: Read more.

Mission accomplished. I haven’t read this much since college, and I’m knocking out all the classics. Goodnight Moon, I’m a Big Sister, Green Eggs and Ham, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and of course the always scintillating, The Potty Book. They’re so good, I read them over and over again. Sometimes back to back. Nothing like having two tiny illiterate creatures around to help your reading skills improve. Looking forward to the next few years, where I realize how little I know about math.

Resolution: Quit drinking.

I thought this would be unbelievably difficult. Nope! Just suffer through a couple of hangovers with toddlers and the “life of the party” becomes the “death of the party.” My nighttime drink of choice has shifted from Manhattan to Sleepy Time Tea. And you know what, I’m more than fine with that. It’s amazing what you can get accomplished in the morning when you don’t wake up with a pounding headache.

Resolution: Get in better shape.

After Resolution No. 4 happened, this one was a cinch. Wanna lose 10 pounds? Stop drinking. Seriously, it’s that simple. Plus, you’ll be amazed how much energy you have to go do things and work out. Right now, I’m deeply invested in the “Daddy Workout.” It’s similar to when Rocky chased the chickens around, but instead I chase two little toddlers around. And instead of three-minute rounds, I do it all day, every day. Then I do numerous sets of “toting their gear everywhere,” “scrubbing vomit out of the carpet,” and “constructing useless items that will only be used once.” I’ll follow this up with a quick series of “hold the child in your arm until it cramps up and your back aches.”

Resolution: Save money.

True, kids are expensive, but think of all you’ll save by not spending any money on yourself. Meals out? Painful with two kids. New Clothes? Why? They’re just going to be covered with vomit and poop, anyway. Vacations? Sure, that sounds romantic when you have to have two cribs delivered to the room. Expensive furniture? No reason; It’ll just become a pricey trampoline.

Resolution: Enjoy life more.

Everyone always says, “If I could only go back and do it again, I would do it differently.” Well, now’s your chance. Having kids is like getting an opportunity to re-live your childhood. Building a fort out of cushions, doing a puzzle, or afternoon movies all become fun again when seen through the eyes of your child. Think of all the things you’ll get to experience with them for the first time. First trip to Disneyland, first day of school, first love. If your children haven’t brought more joy into your life, then you’re doing it wrong.

Resolution: Fall in Love.

Image source: Jamie Kaler
Image source: Jamie Kaler

This one is the easiest of all.

Happy New Year!

Article Posted 1 year Ago

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