As parents, we are constantly bombarded with advice from every Tom, Dick, and Harry who think they know the very best way to raise your child. It’s exhausting — all that smiling and nodding and ignoring them.
And while I know everyone from the grocery clerk to Uncle Dave just wants to help us parents out, the repetition and oppression can leave us wanting to yell, “I know! I get it!”
But instead of screaming at strangers — society tends to frown on that — I chose to create an alter ego of sorts who pokes fun at all the advice I receive. I call my other self, “Aunt Erma” and she gives the most outrageous advice to help remind all of us that our kids will eventually become successful members of society and we all just need to calm down.
So take a break from “real” advice and soak in all of Aunt Erma’s wisdom. Trust me, you’ll feel better about your choices immediately. But please note: this advice is awful. Like, really bad. Don’t do it.
How should I announce my pregnancy on Facebook?
You should set aside the entire day and post 113 cryptic status updates interspersed with 745 pictures of the first ultrasound appointment (but never of the actual ultrasound, mind you.) After 12 hours of posting every few minutes, you’ll be sure to have grabbed the attention of everyone you know. The time is now — make not one, but two, announcements. The first will be that you are pregnant. The second is that you will give the right to name your child to whoever earns the most points over the next nine months. Did someone bring you waffles at 2 a.m.? Five points! Did someone buy you that $700 stroller? 20 points! It’s a way for everyone to be involved, who cares if the kid ends up named Ribeye?
How can you get through labor more comfortably?
Labor’s a breeze! I don’t see how anyone could ever be uncomfortable during it. All you have to do is lie in bed and push out a baby. I’ve been to weddings that were more painful.
What should you eat while pregnant?
Nothing but ice cream and pickles. This is the classic “pregnant woman craving,” and that is because it’s bolstered in scientific proof that it’s all the baby actually needs. You don’t even have to take prenatal vitamins; just the ice cream and pickles morning, noon, and night. Trust me.
How do you get any sleep once you bring your newborn home?
One of the biggest myths of becoming a parent is that you lose sleep once you bring the baby home. In reality, babies sleep like little angels from day one. The only reason new parents complain is to continue getting sympathy, free gifts, and food. After nine months of being doted on, it’s hard to get used to the fact that no one’s going to bring you socks when your feet are cold. Even though those freezing toes are gonna be the only thing keeping you up, you can go ahead and blame it on your baby like the rest of us.
What are some tips for helping a new mom get through the first few weeks?
1. Go on a two-week vacation by yourself. You’re done being pregnant — it’s time to live it up!
2. Once you’re back from vacay, quarantine yourself completely from the outside world. It’s time for you and the baby to bond, which means absolutely zero contact with anyone or anything but your child.
3. Forgo sleeping to read every single parenting-related article on the internet. If it’s on the internet, it has to be true, and the only way you’ll survive parenthood is if you read it all.
What do you do when your baby wakes at 4:45 a.m. and you’re out of coffee?
Logically explain the situation to your baby. They’re smarter than you think and will totally understand the predicament you’re in. They will apologize and go back to sleep for a few more hours because they want to make you happy.
How do you get kids to eat their vegetables?
It’s a common misconception that kids need to eat their vegetables. They don’t. When we’re born, we intrinsically know what’s good for us and what our bodies need. If your kids opt not to eat their broccoli, it’s because their body simply doesn’t need it at this time. You should actually allow them to eat whatever it is they ask for: peanut butter sandwiches, fruit snacks, Skittles, dirt. They know what’s best.
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