Obvious, yet necessary disclaimer: The bedtime drinking game is intended as satire for entertainment purposes only. As always, drink and parent responsibly.
Long before you lay your head down to rest at the end of a long day, you’re responsible for getting your littles to do the same. You’d think it would be easy; all that precious discovery and developmental defiance can really take it out of a kid! But it’s not. It’s really not. In fact, bedtime might just be the hardest part of your entire day.
For this reason, I’ve got an idea on tap for tonight. Instead of letting frustration get the better of you, get the pajama party started with a bedtime drinking game for parents, that proves once and for all what a night cap is really all about.
Official rules of play:
- The first rule of the bedtime drinking game is: you don’t talk about the bedtime drinking game.
- The second rule is: there are no more rules, because unlike bedtime, the game should be easy.
Ready to begin? Grab your favorite drinky drink and sip along to the battle of the bedtime wills.
Parents, take a sip into your sleepy sorrows whenever:
- You have to ask your child to get ready for bed
- Your child can’t find their favorite pajamas
- You have to ask your child to brush their teeth
- You do a wet toothbrush and/or fresh breath audit
- Your child asks for water
- Your child is suddenly and conveniently afraid of monsters
- You hear, “I can’t sleep!”
- A telemarketer calls
- Your child can’t get comfortable
- You hear, “I’m hungry!”
- You’re summoned back for an extra hug
- Your child is itchy
- Your child gets up to use the potty
- Your child gets tangled in their blanket
- Your attempt to sneak out of your child’s room is foiled by a creak in the floor loud enough to break the sound barrier — Ding, ding, ding! Take a bonus drink!
- You realize you’re 1½ sheets to the wind. Ah sheets, zzzzz.
- Your child asks you to turn the TV down
- It’s more than a half hour past your child’s bedtime
- Your child asks you to tell them (again) about the day they were born
- Your child asks you to turn the hall light on
- You hear, “I’m not tired!”
- The neighbor’s dog starts barking
- Your child asks to stay up
- Your child asks you to lay down
- Your child asks for one more bedtime story
- Your child complains that something hurts
- Your child can’t find their favorite lovie
- Your child hears a weird noise
- Your child gets the wiggles
- Your child starts crying
- Your child is too hot
- Your child is too cold
- Your child’s stuffed animal needs to give you a kiss
- You hear, “I’m bored!”
- Your child asks for a(nother) bedtime prayer
- Your child asks you a deep question — Ding, ding, ding! Take a bonus drink!
- Your child begins detailing every minute of their day
- Your child gets the hiccups
- Your child begins singing
- You hear, “I’m lonely!”
- Your child notifies you that bedtime’s not fair
It’s my sincere hope that by now, your buzz has turned to their zzzzz. If it hasn’t, take another drink. Take ALL THE DRINKS. Heck, call me, and I’ll bring you more drinks. And earplugs. And aspirin, because come morning, you’re probably gonna need it.