Topshop Unveils “Clear Mom Jeans” and We Wish We Were Kidding

There’s a new pair of pants on the market targeted towards mothers — but if you ask me, it belongs right in the “Oh, honey what were you thinking?” category.

The “Clear Mom Jeans,” which are made by Topshop and also being sold at Nordstrom, are described on its website as having “slick plastic panels” — apparently, so we moms can “bare our knees.” Makers believe this gives the pants “a futuristic feel,” though I’m honestly left scratching my head over what that even means.

Does it mean we are literally transported to a future where children no longer require butt-wiping and time-outs? Or are we meant to dream about a future where we don’t spend hours on our knees searching for a single missing LEGO the size of a corn kernel? Also, I haven’t shaved my legs in (let me check) … it feels like about two weeks. Would I have to shave if I wear these? Would I only have to shave my kneecaps? Would they make my knees sweat because of the unbreathable fabric choice?

I have so many questions.

Image Source: Nordstrom

There are a lot of fashions that we’d all like to forget. Most of us have made it through everything from shoulder pads to platform jellies to MC Hammer pants. Trends come and go, and then come back again. But if I were a betting woman, I’d say these puppies may have a short shelf life.

For one, they are “tapered and cropped high-waist jeans,” which sounds frighteningly like they would accentuate every part of my body that has gone horribly wrong since having children. At a minimum, I’d say they’d have better luck not marketing these jeans to moms. Moms are not easily persuaded by gimmicks. We may have only had about six hours of sleep in the last nine years, but we are able to spot some BS a mile away. We’ve got houses full of tiny deceivers trying to pull one over on us at every turn. Hell, I walked into my living room yesterday and there was a single washcloth placed in the middle of the floor. My youngest was standing next to it swearing on his life he was not hiding a stain underneath. He could have won an Oscar. (Liars. All of them.)

But back to these jeans: Nothing about them looks comfortable, which is probably the No. 1 reason I can’t see moms getting on board with them. I mean … moms spend their lives in yoga pants for a reason, people!

It seems there’s always someone trying to market some product towards mothers, though. There was the Placenta Teddy Bear (I just can’t even), the Wine Purse (please stop), and the Indoor Herb Garden (I love herbs, but please don’t give me another thing I need to keep alive). Don’t get me wrong — I’m all for products that make a person’s life easier, but I just don’t see how these jeans are going to do it for moms.

But hey, what do I know about fashion? It’s noon and I’m still wearing my pajamas and a sweatshirt with a suspect stain on the front. Perhaps I am not one to decide what is “in fashion” after all. So if you’ve got an extra $95 burning a hole in your pocket and your knees have been dying for some air time, these jeans may be just for you. Don’t let me stand in your way of happiness.

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Article Posted 3 years Ago

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