Dear Future Daughter-In-Law,
I’m trying — I really, truly am. It’s just so incredibly hard. He is currently 6 years old, so I figure I have roughly 20 years until you find your way into his life.
My prediction is that you will fall in love quickly and it will be true love; a love that cannot be broken, a love that can withstand the test of time. You will want to take care of him and love him like no other.
Until you move in together.
My pledge to you, my future daughter-in-law, is that by the time you decide to shack up with him, he will at least be trained up enough so that you will not want to scream, “Why can’t you pick up all your crap!” every time he leaves his underwear on the floor.
So to honor and welcome you into our crazy family, I have created a list of things I will attempt to drill into him by the time you steal his heart.
- He will learn to pick his stuff up. Enough said.
- He will wipe the pee off the toilet seat, put the lid down, and flush. Ok, maybe not all three of those at the same time.
- He will understand that clothes go in the laundry basket, not around it.
- He will learn to take his underwear out of his pants before he throws them in the washing machine.
- While we are on the topic of underwear, I should probably mention that this might be a tough battle. I have spoiled him and probably will continue to do so by doing all his laundry.
- He will clean the toothpaste off the sink, and the faucet, and the counter, oh heck, he will just learn to wipe it all up AND put the top on.
- He will figure out that his body needs to face the table while eating in order to keep the entire meal off the floor and I’m pretty sure he will curb the urge to treat everything like fondue and dip it in his cup.
- Sometimes he will just be gross, there is no other way of saying it. By the time he is 25 years old, he will hopefully have stopped eating food off the ground, rolling around in the dirt (at least the dirt that has cat poop in it), and licking things. Remind me to tell you about the time he licked the bathroom handle at the rest stop.
- He will learn to turn in his homework. This translates later in life to buying everything on the grocery list and remembering to do the things we ask. Here is a tip I had to learn the hard way: You have to tell him what to do most of the time, and if you want it to happen, write it on the list.
- The farts; well those will probably never stop. But I do hope he will learn the difference between a dry fart and a “I just crapped my pants” fart. If not, you will have to refer back to #4 and decide if you want to scrub it out or just throw them away.
- I kind of gave up on peeing off the porch, that’s your battle to fight.
- Time and place. I will attempt to teach him the rules about taking care of his “boy business.” When he belongs to you, that will be your job to take care of.
- He will need to play outside; boys and men never outgrow this, but I promise he will learn to take his shoes off before he comes in the house and the sticks, rocks, and dirt will stay out of the bed.
- His Legos will not go with him. No one deserves the punishment of stepping on those little suckers.
- I also gave up on the long stints in the bathroom. The first time I saw him head to the toilet holding a magazine, I knew it was a lost cause.
- I think he will figure out that wearing pajamas to work is not a good idea.
- When you speak to him, hopefully he will only say “What?” or ask you to repeat yourself a few times. He says Mom at least 100 times a day. You will get used to this — not him calling you Mom, but him calling your name out all the time when he needs something.
Dear future daughter-in-law, I sure hope all of this does not overwhelm you or make you want to change your mind about loving him, because here is what I can promise:
He loves with a passion that is not seen much in boys.
He will honor, love, respect, and treasure you.
He is the kindest human being I know and he will make you feel like the most special woman in the world. He does that for me now and I will happily pass that onto you, because I know if he chose you to be his wife, you are special.
P.S. There is just one more thing: Despite all of these annoying (and I do mean annoying) habits, I absolutely love him to pieces — and I know you will too.