Everyone from the mailman to the local TV news reporter hands out parenting advice like they’re Dr. Sears himself. They mean well, and just want to help you find your way on this crazy journey of parenthood, but sometimes it can be exhausting.
That’s why Aunt Erma is back with another installment of the worst parenting advice of all parenting advice in the history of all parents to have ever parented.
So take a break from “real” advice and soak in all of Aunt Erma’s wisdom. Trust me, you’ll feel better about your choices immediately. But please note: this advice is awful. Like, really bad. Don’t do it.
How can I convince my friends and family that my way of giving birth is the best way?
Invite them to attend a class at your home prior to the birth. Attendance is mandatory if they ever want to meet your child. You should prepare a PowerPoint presentation, have no less than 7 handouts, and include a test at the end covering the information you have gathered on the Internet that informed your birth plan choices. Attendees must score at least a 90 on the test in order to have a relationship with the baby after he or she is born. Should someone score an 89 or below, you can either A) offer them a retest three months after his first birthday or B) cut them out of your life forever. If they’re not willing to pay attention to you they don’t deserve the opportunity to watch your little one grow up.
I’m attachment parenting and I breastfeed on demand. My 3-year-old has started playing with my nipples in public. What do I do?
Until your toddler chooses to self-wean, you need to move to a nudist colony. No one will be shocked at seeing your nipples there and — bonus — you won’t have to do laundry!
I’m pregnant with twins. How do I announce the genders?
Don’t do it. In fact, dress both kids in white for their first year of life and make people guess what their genders are. If they’re wrong, they must bring you a hot meal for a week. If they guess correctly, they not only get the satisfaction of being right — which is of the utmost importance to everyone — and are also awarded the much coveted opportunity to buy a gift for each of your children. Everyone wins.
My 5-year-old will only poop at home. I’m worried about kindergarten. What should I do?
Spend the time before he heads to school introducing him to a bedpan. You can spend quality time with him while he personalizes it with stickers, markers, paint, and a couple skidmarks. Make it something that is his and he loves. Then, on the first day of school, explain to the teacher his poop-phobia and assure her that if he’s squatting during story time it means he’s comfortable enough with her and his classmates and they should feel flattered at the trust he is exhibiting.
I have four kids and constantly feel guilty for not spending enough individual time with them. What should I do?
Instead of focusing on spending equal time with each of your children, focus instead on ignoring them all equally. Perhaps lock yourself in the bedroom for an hour while they’re all awake so they simultaneously receive the same lack of attention. This will not only give you a break and teach them self-reliance, but it will also inform each of your kids that they are not your favorite which is a powerful lesson in parenting. It’s a win-win-win-win-win situation.
What should I expect the first time I breastfeed?
There is nothing to worry about. The baby will latch effortlessly on their very first try and you will barely notice the gentle suction your baby will use to extract milk from your bosom. They are babies — not vicious lions trying to devour you. I’ve never understood why everyone was scared of breastfeeding; it’s the easiest thing in the world!