If you’re a parent with a Twitter account, chances are you tweet about your kids — and often. Some of the things we’ve seen (the good, the bad, and the very, very ugly) are just begging to be shared, and who has the time for more than 280 characters, anyway? Not us. So here you go — the funniest tweets from parents on Twitter this week. #YoureWelcome
1. Sentimental reasons.
I hold onto my kid’s art projects and report cards so that one day, many years from now, they can look at it fondly before tossing it all in the garbage can.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 14, 2018
2. Save my breath.
— Kramer's Remarks (@jwkramer3) January 16, 2018
3. Danger is our middle name.
Do you miss making reckless decisions like you did in your early 20’s?
Allow your child to bring cereal with milk in the car.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 14, 2018
4. Later, Mom.
I’m going out tonight and my husband is staying with the kids. The eagerness with which they asked when I was leaving makes me wonder if he just lets them swim in a vat of chocolate syrup when I’m gone or what.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 13, 2018
You know it’s gonna be a good day when you threaten to cancel two birthday parties before 9 am. #ParentingGoals
— Kimberly McCreight (@kimmccreight) January 16, 2018
6. There will be blood.
My Kid Lost A Tooth
-a new short film directed by Quentin Tarantino
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) January 18, 2018
7. Just add those to our Frequently Used.
I think we need a tired AF mom emoji with bags under her eyes, greasy hair and a cup of cold coffee. #momlife
— Hashtag MomFail (@hashtagmomfail) January 15, 2018
8. Returning the favor.
Can’t wait until my son has his own place so I can just barge in and start dumping out boxes of cereal and cookies and crackers, and cover every square inch of his floors with Lego and Hot Wheels. #dadlife
— Riley Breckenridge (@rileybreck) January 18, 2018
Someone asked me what the toughest thing about being a parent was… I told them I would have to say it’s the children.
— Swedish Canary (@SwedishCanary) January 13, 2018
10. Survival of the fittest, for sure.
I've never wrestled a bear, but I have dressed a toddler, so I feel like I could come out of a bear attack alive.
— Willow Whines (@GaudetteWillow) January 15, 2018
11. Mom of the Year.
Yes, my son went to school this morning wearing shorts in the snow. Again. But they were clean shorts, so don't judge.#parenting
— Kelly Phillips Erb (@taxgirl) January 16, 2018
12. Own it!
You can’t scare me with a tantrum. I’ll call their bluff.
Kid: *screaming and thrashing on floor*
Me: You call that screaming? You don’t even look angry. COME ON, LOUDER LIKE YOU MEAN IT
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) January 14, 2018
13. And the rest is history.
6 yr old: Dad, what year was it when you were my age?
6: Whoa… was that Ancient Greece?
Me: There was no internet, so yeah, I guess it was.#DadLife
— Bacon Dad (@Bacon_Dad_) January 17, 2018
14. Hot hubby.
— Sarah Nicholas (@ahavahmama) January 16, 2018
15. The roles of a lifetime.
Parenting is insane. You have to approach your most sensitive child with the delicate sensibilities of Mother Teresa and your most gangster child with the tactics of Michael Corleone.
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) January 14, 2018
16. Sleep is for the weak.
Turns out I’ve been pronouncing it wrong the past 4 years, I’m an “InsoMOMMYac.”
— InsoMOMMYac (@mom_toddler) January 16, 2018
17. The humanity.
Nothing screams parenting fail like knowing I raised a kid that would leave 2 pizza rolls in a bag and put it back in the freezer
— Judy from the internet (@jnapsalot) January 18, 2018