If you’re a parent with a Twitter account, chances are you tweet about your kids — and often. Some of the things we’ve seen (the good, the bad, and the very, very ugly) are just begging to be shared, and who has the time for more than 140 characters? Not us. So here you go, the funniest tweets from parents on Twitter this week. #yourewelcome
1. Darn cookie monsters.
Kids have two cookie-eating speeds: warp speed or agonizingly slow. And both result in a billion crumbs on the floor.
— Vicki Lesage (@vickilesage) January 25, 2016
2. Painful yet effective.
My 5yo’s missing a Lego so I’m setting my alarm for 2 am to walk barefoot across my living room floor.
— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) January 29, 2016
3. You’re dead to me.
My best friend got my kids a karaoke machine!
My ex-best friend got my kids a karaoke machine!
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) January 27, 2016
My best achievement as a mom was convincing my kids of a French Fry Tax, making it okay for me to eat the first few fries from every order.
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) January 25, 2016
5. And they still never listen.
90% of parenting is just saying "I told you it was hot!"
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 23, 2016
6. Kids movies are getting a little suspicious, no?
"What's your favorite kids movie?"
"Whichever movie lets the parents survive. So, I guess I don't have a favorite kids movie."
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 25, 2016
7. Enjoy it while you can.
My favorite part of parenting is always having someone around who doesn't yet realize that I am a deeply flawed individual.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 24, 2016
8. Is getting that booger really worth it?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2016
9. It’s just like magic!
7 year old: "Watch this!"
*pulls tablecloth, dishes shatter*
"See? My waffles are ok!"
Me: "I put them on the counter."
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) January 26, 2016
10. Oh, we know that story.
Elbows in My Face: One Mother's Quest for a Good Night's Sleep
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) January 28, 2016
11. How thoughtful.
7 just woke my sick wife up to inform her that she had fallen asleep if any of you are thinking of having kids.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 27, 2016
12. Ah, the threat of abandonment. Works every time.
Sometimes, when my kids won't leave the toy section, we play a little game called, "goodbye. I hope Target feeds you."
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) January 27, 2016
13. Reading in the 21st century.
My 9yo son thought that watching Netflix with the subtitles on would count as his 20 minutes per night of reading homework. He's a genius.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 28, 2016
14. On the road again.
I'm basically the tour bus driver for a bad rock band of two. They trash crap, sing loudly and are always in need of a shower. #parenting
— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) January 29, 2016
15. Can’t escape the stink.
Even more effective than an alarm clock is your baby's dirty diaper.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 28, 2016
16. Well, that’s uplifting.
5yo's version of a fun fact: Soon, you and Dad will be older than Martin Luther King when he died.
— ivamarie (@ivamarie) January 29, 2016
Can’t get enough of these funny tweets? Read our #FunnyParents archive here!