If you’re a parent with a Twitter account, chances are you tweet about your kids — and often. Some of the things we’ve seen (the good, the bad, and the very, very ugly) are just begging to be shared, and who has the time for more than 140 characters? Not us. So here you go, the funniest tweets from parents on Twitter this week. #yourewelcome
1. Unless the answer is yes to all three, bath time’s probably not gonna happen tonight.
Did you get sweaty?
Did you get muddy?
Did you get peed on?
-me trying to figure out if my kids need a bath.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) April 24, 2015
2. NPR = Next-level Parental Retaliation
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON'T CUT IT OUT.
— RM (@dorsalstream) April 28, 2015
3. The next “Weird Al,” everybody!
5yo reworked Justin Timberlake lyric from "show you a few things" to "show me your poop face" & is singing it everywhere we go.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 28, 2015
4. Ouch, kid.
Me: "Know what my favorite thing is? Holding your hand."
5yo, rips free: "NOW YOUR FAVORITE THINGS OVER!"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) April 27, 2015
5. This isn’t terrifying at all …
Me: Why don't you want to go to the petting zoo tomorrow? 5: I don't wanna pet the animals, I want to eat them.
— Will (@vexroid) April 28, 2015
6. Tell me why I volunteered to co-sleep again?
Toddler beds aren't so bad if you enjoy being cramped and uncomfortable while having a tiny person beat you
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) April 29, 2015
7. It’s a term of affection?
Most kids refer to their parents as Mom or Dad.
My kids refer to me as "can I have $20?"
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 28, 2015
8. No one said anything about smearing poop.
They did NOT talk about that in the baby books.
-me about most things in parenting.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) April 28, 2015
9. “Me Time” looks very different post-kids
Prior to having kids, I never thought I'd consider sitting on my own in the car, a hobby.
— Fluffy Suse (@fluffysuse) April 27, 2015
10. *Braces for impact*
When your 3 yr old son walks by you wearing a beanie & holding a golf club your spidey-sense tingles…
— bogadafet (@bogadafet) April 29, 2015
11. Damn straight!
4-year-old: You're the strongest one in this whole house.
Me: *flexes* I sure am.
4-year-old: I was talking to Mom.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 29, 2015
12. The name’s Marie. Marie Callender.
"What a delicious dinner. Just like Mom used to order."
–My kids someday
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) April 24, 2015
13. For once, a game where everyone wins.
I'm playing this game with the kids where the floor is made of quicksand.
So naturally I can't get off the couch or Mommy dies.
— Dosie Doe (@DosieDoe) April 29, 2015
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) April 28, 2015
15. We like to think of this as “delegating.”
ME: From 8:30-3:30, they're your problem.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) April 29, 2015
16. We need to get on her level.
It just dawned on me that none of the other parents are riding their 6yo's scooter to pick them up at school everyday.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 29, 2015