It’s true what they say: Every child is born with special talents and gifts unique to them, and only them. Yet surprisingly, despite the millions of kids walking this earth, most parents will also discover that all kids are born with a few of the same … “interesting” talents. These special little gifts can make parenting an unexpected adventure, complete with hurt feelings, poop jokes, and soiled carpets.
They are (in no particular order):
1. Discovering your physical flaws.
No one can point out that one chipped tooth, awkward mole, or saggy boob you’re self-conscious about quite like your child. And here’s the first sign you’re in trouble: When they start staring just a little too intently at said tooth/mole/boob. You’ll soon begin to feel a familiar cloak of dread, because, let’s be honest, you know it’s coming.
Suddenly, like clockwork … BOOM: “Mommy, why do you have a mustache like daddy?”
At which point, you’ll have no choice but to excuse yourself to the bathroom, so you can pluck the crap out of our upper lip.
2. Killing you slowly by watching the same movie over and over to infinity.
Parents don’t have entire children’s movies memorized by choice, you know. They have entire movies memorized by force. As your child’s favorite movie is played over and over and over again, a little piece of your soul will die each time. You’ll begin humming the intro in the shower. You’ll start subconsciously slipping popular lines into normal, adult conversation. You’ll belt out the chorus of the movie’s hit song with intense vibrato while folding their Frozen undies.
If it begins to feel as though you’ve been brainwashed, it’s because you have.
3. Destroying your home with stealth precision.
All it takes is for me to walk into the kitchen and pour a cup of coffee for the family room to suddenly look like a trash can exploded in the middle of it. The speed and efficiency with which a child can destroy a room is unmatched by anything we’ve seen in modern times.
Once, while watching my niece, a telemarketer called our house phone. In the time it took me to answer the phone and promptly hang up again, she was in the bathroom squeezing toothpaste all over her feet and rubbing it into the sink and bath mats. Kids are crafty and clever, like destructive spies. We must learn to respect their power.
4. Regularly putting themselves in life-threatening situations.
Kids love danger; they’re addicted to the rush. I recently broke a wine glass in the kitchen, and after meticulously sweeping and mopping until I was sure every shard had been removed, my 11-month-old managed to find the one invisible shard I’d missed — and then tried putting it in her mouth. I screeched across the kitchen floor like I was sliding into third base and snatched it out of her hands right in the nick of time.
The truth is, kids are far too trusting of us parents. They assume we have magical powers to keep them safe, when in reality, we’re just running around crazed, leaping around like Neo in The Matrix to pull objects out of their mouths. A baby will nose dive off the couch like an Olympic diver assuming you’ll just “take care of it.” Someone tell them we’re only human!
5. Interrupting sex. Every. Single. Time.
They may look innocent enough, but I firmly believe there’s an evolutionary explanation as to why kids are masters at interrupting all romance between their parents. It’s probably nature’s way of making sure Mommy and Daddy don’t make another baby to add to all the chaos.
So if you want to have sex with your partner, just know this: Even if you think you’re being all clever about sneaking it in, your kid will outsmart you. They will find you, wherever you are, and they will ruin that sexy time in mere seconds, by pounding on your door relentlessly until everyone gets dressed, opens the door, and gets them a popsicle.
6. They all love them some potty jokes.
It’s no secret that kids love a good potty joke. Poop, fart, butts — it’s all comedy gold to them. In fact, they don’t think anything is really all that funny except for potty jokes. “Jimmy, do you want a hot dog?” you say. “No, I want a poo poo fart butt!” they squeal back, through uncontrollable laughter.
They are the Kevin Harts of incoherent potty jokes. They are the Kings of Fart Comedy.
So listen up, kids of the world — fire up those resumes. Broadcast your talents. You are special, gifted little children who point out our hidden flaws and kill our souls with your never-ending movie marathons; all while destroying our homes with your two bare hands. You send us to an early grave by jumping off staircases, shouting out potty jokes in public, and making sure your parents aren’t having sex ever.
Keep up the good work.
(But, um, do you think maybe you could take a day off once in awhile? Is that too much to ask? Okay, thanks. We love you.)More On