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How to Survive Bedtime in 60 Easy Steps

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

 Ahh, bedtime. That magical hour of the day when the world is winding down. The end is in sight. Just a few short minutes until the kids are tucked into their cozy little beds and you will finally have alone time with your partner. Or just some alone time, period.

Oh, the sweet bliss of it all … 

HA! Just kidding. Let’s be real — bedtime rarely, if ever, goes smoothly. That’s why it’s long-been known as somewhat of a “challenge” (aka nightmare) for many parents. In an effort to help you get across the finish line, allow me to lend some of my own fool-proof steps for getting through it all in one piece …

  1. Announce that bedtime is in five minutes.
  2. Watch your child dump a bucket of Legos all over the floor.
  3. Sigh loudly.
  4. Tell your child that there are now three minutes until bedtime.
  5. Suggest that clean-up start now because – OMG! – that’s a ton of Legos.
  6. Watch your child promptly dump ANOTHER bucket of Legos on the floor.
  7. Mutter curse words under your breath.
  8. Tell your child that it is NOW bedtime.
  9. Politely ask your child to clean up said Legos in that sing-songy voice that makes your skin crawl — while calling to your other child that it is time to turn off the video game and get ready for bed.
  10. Get absolutely no response from either of them.
  11. Offer to help your younger child clean up the Legos because they are getting picked up if it’s the last thing you do.
  12. Throw Legos angrily into the bucket while he continues building a tower.
  13. Tell your child it is TIME TO CLEAN UP THE LEGOS.
  14. Fight the urge to scream when your child asks, “Why you yelling, Mommy?”
  15. Take a deep breath. Then another. In and out.
  16. Through gritted teeth, tell your child that you will clean up the Legos IF he goes to brush his teeth RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
  17. After he walks away (presumably) to brush his teeth, throw Legos angrily into the bucket while swearing under your breath.
  18. Head upstairs to supervise teeth brushing while calling to your other child that it is time turn off the damn Wii.
  19. Find your child who was supposed to be brushing his teeth in the middle of his bedroom floor – NAKED – coloring with markers … on his body, no less.
  20. Ask him calmly why exactly he is coloring on himself.
  21. Realize you won’t get an answer — or at least not one that will make any sort of real sense — and instead find a new pair of pajamas to put him in.
  22. Clean up the markers while calling to your video-gaming child to TURN. OFF. THE. TV!
  23. Get your naked child into new pajamas, ignore the mess of markers on the floor and the marker stains all over his body for the time being, and focus only on teeth brushing.
  24. Scream downstairs to your other child that you can still hear that freakin’ TV and they are fooling no one.
  25. Turn to your younger child that no, he can’t have another cookie because it is TIME FOR BED.
  26. Endure a 10-minute-long meltdown because the toothpaste is blue, the toothbrush bristles are bristle-y, and Mean Mom won’t let him have cookies before bed.
  27. Decide to skip teeth brushing and carry whimpering child to bed.
  28. Threaten to take away video games FOREVER unless older child TURNS OFF THE TELEVISION AND COMES TO BED.
  29. Read a story to blue-toothpaste-hating child while video-game-addicted child stomps upstairs muttering “Gee, Mom, you don’t have to yell.”
  30. Resolve to hide every one of his video games while he sleeps.
  31. Try to finish one page in the book while being interrupted every three words with a “but why, Mommy?” or “I WANNA COOKIE” wails.
  32. Skip every other sentence in the book and the entire section of the book until you finally read “THE END.”
  33. Tuck in the half-sleeping child who is still mumbling about cookies in the morning.
  34. Kiss his forehead.
  35. Wonder if you have ever loved anyone so much.
  36. Give your other child a hug before he climbs into the top bunk.
  37. Wonder if you have ever loved anyone so much.
  38. Close the door to their room.
  39. Breathe a deep sigh of relief.
  40. Halfway down the stairs, hear the older child call out that he just remembered he had an extra page of math homework to do tonight.
  41. Curse under your breath. Again.
  42. Tell him he will need to get up early to finish his homework in the morning.
  43. Remind yourself that now you will need to get up early to make sure that he is up early to finish his homework.
  44. Shut the door. Again.
  45. Listen as your younger child calls out for another tuck-in.
  46. Curse under your breath again and sigh loudly.
  47. Tuck him in again, but a little rougher than the first time, and say “Goodnight, I love you” again — but a little angrier than the first time.
  48. Turn off the light – AGAIN – and shut the door AGAIN.
  49. Get settled into the couch and breathe a sigh of relief that the day is finally done, and you are alone.
  50. Turn on trendy Netflix show with plenty of swearing.
  51. Hear one child walk into room in the midst of an extra-raunchy scene to ask for a drink of water.
  52. Get him the cup of water and tuck him in AGAIN with a goodnight-I-love-you said through gritted teeth.
  53. Shut the door AGAIN.
  54. Settle into the couch and wait for a child to appear.
  55. After a few minutes have passed, resume binge-watching trendy Netflix show.
  56. Get interrupted AGAIN by the other child who says he can’t sleep because his brother is breathing too loudly.
  57. Let out a big, loud sigh at a volume you didn’t even realize was even possible. Continue sighing until you annoy him right out of the room.
  58. Wait a few minutes to see if there are any more pop-outs before resuming your must-see show.
  59. Fall asleep while you wait.
  60. Dream of an easier bedtime tomorrow night.
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Article Posted 4 years Ago

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