If I Were Honest, Here’s How I’d Respond to School Party Invites

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

Every time you check your kid’s backpack for lunch containers and forgotten bananas (gross), it seems there is another invitation to a class party, field trip, or volunteering opportunity. This handy dandy multiple choice list can save you some precious time when corresponding with your kid’s teacher, and you can use that time to scrub out that odoriferous backpack.

Dear Teacher,

Thank you for the invitation to:

  1. Attend this lovely class celebration of a holiday I could care less about
  2. Spend the few hours I have without my child, with my child
  3. Realize that I was right all along to quit my job because there would be no way to go to all these damn events if I was working
  4. Tell my boss I have the flu because something tells me the Cinco de Mayo second grade party isn’t an approved work excuse

I will be sure to bring:

  1. Gluten-free, nut-free, dairy-free cupcakes that taste like cardboard
  2. Regular cupcakes that also taste like cardboard because I let my kids help and they ate all the sugar with their hands before I could pour any into the batter
  3. Nothing, because I am broke due to the other 25 parties this year to which I brought stuff
  4. Nothing, because my husband is going to attend so I can go to my other kid’s simultaneous party, and nobody expects dads to bring anything but a smile

I know that my child will be super excited to:

  1. Gorge on sugary treats
  2. See me without yoga pants on
  3. Try and get my phone from me so she can look at YouTube videos during the party
  4. Get sick for the week following this party so that I have to take not one day off work, but five

I love how you:

  1. Include parents in everything — every damn single thing
  2. Make the kids excited about learning — and eating crap
  3. Unrelated, but cute shirt the other day — I used to dress cute before kids too.
  4. Make me feel older than Methuselah, you cute 20-something who has yet to birth a baby

Make sure to:

  1. Continue telling me about every possible opportunity to hang out with my kid while she’s at school
  2. Tell me if you need anything else, so I can pretend I didn’t see your email
  3. Not friend me on Facebook, ever, because then you’ll see all the wine pictures
  4. Keep being my kid’s role model, because apparently I’ve been replaced by you


  1. The mom who loves volunteering, for real — most of the time
  2. The mom who loves her kids, so she volunteers sometimes despite hating it
  3. The mom who loves her kids, but hates volunteering so she sends in donuts for everything and hopes it compensates
  4. The mom who loves her kids and doesn’t send in donuts either, but she keeps her kids alive and happy so isn’t that enough, school????
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