I have three kids, I’ve breastfed them all, and I’ve resented my husband for not having boobs every single time. Logical, this isn’t, but nursing does not come easy to me and pumping is a royal pain. “You try breastfeeding,” I’ve hissed on more than one occasion. Not that I’ve imagined what would actually happen if guys had the ability to nurse — but now a hysterical new video has gone there.
Called “If Men Breastfed” and created by Naya Health (motto: “We make pumping suck less”), the tongue-in-cheek video gives a glimpse into the hypothetical scenario — leaking shirts during work meetings, tricked out lactation lounges, high-tech pumps, and all. You will knowingly nod your head, laugh in agreement, and pray for the day when science comes up with a way to have men nurse, or Amazon or Google develops a drone that will pump for us.
Here are nine other things that might just happen if men had the ability to breastfeed:
Guys would constantly stare at their breasts.
Suddenly, boob men would no longer be limited to women! Men could gaze wondrously upon their own super-sized mammaries all day long.
Some dude would develop the La-Z-Boob Recliner.
Given guys’ obsession with reclining armchairs, no matter how unsightly or ancient, it’s almost a guarantee that some man would come up with a really, really comfy nursing chair.
Men would lie on the couch and whimper.
This is based on no evidence other than the fact that it is what my beloved does when he has the sniffles, a headache, or other minor impairment. Years ago, we had wisdom teeth extracted on the same day. Guess who ran out at 9 PM and got who a milkshake? Yup. I am not entirely convinced men could deal with super-sore nipples and engorgement. Forget maternity leave; there’s a chance guys could call in sick for months on end because their boobs hurt.
And speaking of maternity leave …
You can bet that the male deities who run corporate America would finally — finally! — realize that 12 weeks of leave, with no guaranteed pay, is pretty darn paltry for a parent with a new baby. Voilá: More maternity leave, paid.
Guys would raid our lingerie drawers.
At last, our significant others could share in our great joy of a truly outstanding support bra.
Look for reality shows like The Great Nursing Race.
The video depicts a Lactation Leaderboard at an office listing number of ounces pumped by workers. But chances are that some dude would be all, Hey, let’s make this into a televised competition! and come up with a show in which guys race each other to see who could pump more and fastest and grow the fattest baby.
Women would leer at men on the street.
It seems justifiable given the eons of ogling women have endured. Now guys would know what it’s like when strangers stare at your chest or talk to it — even weirder when your boobs are gigantic only because they’re filled with sustenance for your baby.
Breastfeeding in public would no longer be a big deal.
It’s mind-boggling that feeding your baby could ever be considered an act of indecency, but if men were to start whipping off their shirts and nursing their babies everywhere and anywhere, it likely wouldn’t be long before it no longer became an issue for any sex to do it. (Well, either that or some group would start protesting men nursing in public.)
Men would finally know the joy.
Despite the hassles, breastfeeding a child is one of the sweetest, most tender moments there is: the plump cheeks moving in and out, the little sighs, that blissful milk-drunk expression on your baby’s face. If men breastfed, they could experience that, too — as we were out getting mani-pedis. Win win!