I’m Auctioning Off the Opportunity to Rename My Children

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

Are you looking for a way to distinguish your brand in an increasingly crowded media landscape? Hoping to go beyond traditional advertising to pursue something, or rather, someone, with true potential for growth?

Allow me to be of service. I’m thrilled to announce that I am staging an auction for the rights to rename my two adorable children after whichever corporate sponsors ultimately devote the most resources — cough, cold hard cash, cough — to emerge the winners of this exciting event.

Nearly every consumer products company could stand to reap a huge return on investment through this unprecedented opportunity. Since I am constantly writing about my little ones on social media, if your brands become their names, you can be assured of frequent online mentions at no additional cost. Imagine the possibilities! Your brand names could be front and center in heart-warming Facebook posts and Tweets such as:

  • “My sweet Pepsi was positively bubbly after a fun day at school!”
  • “My little Listerine scored a goal in the final minutes of the game and left the opposing team gasping for (minty fresh) breath.”
  • “Was late to work after poor Honda came down with a stomach bug and threw up all over my new shoes. Well, better on my shoes than in my car!”
  • “FedEx asked to go to the potty by himself several times today. I’m so proud of how reliably he delivered … “

… and many more!

With such family-friendly marketing options, you’d be foolish not to throw your hat — and your millions and millions of dollars — into the ring.

But beyond receiving instant media exposure, your company will reap the lasting rewards of having one or two human beings spend at least the next decade and a half or so* effortlessly engaged in promoting your brand recognition. Their family members, neighbors, teachers, classmates, teammates, and therapists will have no choice but to have your company’s signature brand at the forefront of their thoughts. And when they head to the store for a grocery run or to the mall for a shopping spree, surely those thoughts will translate into consumer action.** Say it with me now: Ka-ching!

At this point, dear would-be bidders, you might have a few questions, such as “Sure, this is a great deal for us. But what’s in it for you?”

Easy! While my children have perfectly nice names, I’ve come to realize that they’re lacking a certain something. That something? The ability to pay for my retirement condo in Boca. I know that, as they grow older, my children will feel proud*** knowing that their distinctive names put the gold in Mommy’s golden years.

So please, get those corporate checkbooks ready and come join me at www.buymykidsnames.com. Do it for your bottom line and for my bottom, which longs to be nestled in a poolside chaise lounge.

*Once the children reach age 18, they’ll have the right to change their names … Unless they legally emancipate themselves at a younger age — which several psychologists and two attorneys assure me they will likely do — at which point they may also elect to change their names. Oops!

**Customer loyalty by those within the children’s immediate and extended circles is not guaranteed … but could be, for an additional fee.

***A pride that may be expressed by blinding hatred and resentment that fuels one or two best-selling tell-all memoirs. So, really, everybody wins!

****Happy April Fool’s Day!

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