The world of child-rearing is filled with an enormous array of inventions — some necessary and some not, but many ridiculous. Who knew a plastic tube that sucks snot out of a baby’s nose would be the key to eliminating snoring? A string that attaches to both a pacifier and a baby’s shirt to keep the pacifier from dropping to the floor every 2 minutes? Brilliant. An actual product named “Butt paste?” Essential.
But parents need more than just real products to help them through their day. They need some imaginary ones, too.
1. A floor with a trap door
Both of my children have gone through phases where they won’t go to sleep without a parent in the room. It’s annoying. It’s time-consuming. It’s exhausting! My toddler is currently doing this right now and at least once a week, I end of falling asleep in his room. But, no more! With a new trap door, you can stay with your kid long enough for them to feel comforted and then *poof* vanish through the floor! No more laying in place for an hour. No more sneaking out of the room, holding your breath for fear of stepping on the squeaky board. Just reassurance and disappearance.
2. A smell monitor so you can see if the baby pooped
Whether or not you believe in the “Cry It Out” philosophy, there are times when your baby cries that you don’t want to go to them. Sure, a regular monitor will help you know that your little one is safe in the crib, but how do know when you really need to go in? What if there’s a poop situation? With the amazing new smell-o-monitor, you can tell (and smell) the difference between a regular, “I don’t want to be here,” cry and an “I won’t go back to sleep until I have clean pants” cry.
3. A recording of your voice whispering “shhhhh”
Rocking a baby? Rubbing your toddler’s back? Stroking your feverish kid’s forehead? There’s nothing more comforting to them than hearing your calm, “shhhhhh.” But let’s face it — after about 30 seconds, you’re probably ready to stop. That’s where our handy-dandy recorder comes into use. Merely push play, and you’ll be shhhh-ing the night away without straining your voice.
4. Extend-O Arms
Having more than one kid is great (some of the time). But, much of the time they’re together, they’re fighting. Every day, I stand between my boys, physically taking one off the other or moving one out of the way from the other kid. You know what would make my day easier? Extend-o-arms. With this mechanical invention, I could actually put some distance between my kids, instead of just getting in the way of their whirling arms and hands.
5. A way to make boys pee in the toilet
Is there anything more cliché than bemoaning about the fact that boys don’t pee in the toilet? But, parents talk about it for a reason — because it’s true! No matter how many times I complain, what I threaten or promise, my son pees next to the toilet. Or around the toilet. Or on the toilet. It’s frustrating and disgusting! I don’t know what this device would look like or how it would work, but I’d buy a dozen of them.
6. A translation machine
Even though my children speak English, it often seems as though they don’t speak my language. Somehow, “get dressed” turns into “hop around on one foot while yelling as loud as you can.” “We’re in a hurry” means “do this as slowly as possible.” And “it’s time to brush your teeth” is “dance around in your underpants.” This machine would translate your commands into child-friendly terms.
7. A magical, portable device that streams videos, TV shows, and movies in a toddler-friendly, intuitive manner
This device will allow you to go to restaurants, entertain your children on airplanes, or even give you a few minutes of quiet time. What a minute — this miracle device does exist. There is hope for parents everywhere!More On