I’ve had one natural drug-free birth, one emergency C-section (after MANY hours of unproductive laboring and pushing), and one totally blissful scheduled C-section, in which I experienced exactly zero labor. In other words, when it comes to giving birth, I’ve pretty much experienced all ends of the spectrum. So, when I read Jordan Kennedy’s hilarious account of her own recent childbirth, I found myself laughing out loud and nodding in firm agreement. (Trust me, the girl really knows what she’s talking about.)
In Kennedy’s June 7 Facebook post, which has been shared more than 11k times in the last few weeks, she ticks off the entire childbirth experience from soup to nuts — and I’m willing to bet it’ll have you howling with laughter, too.
“Just watching one born [there] and it got me thinking how rotten is it giving birth,” she begins. “It’s some buzz when the baby’s out but seriously being in labour has to be one of the most ugly things ever … you start off with your wee clean pj’s and matching slippers … all smiles even a bit of lip gloss ta keep you in gid spirit … ”
But that’s where her post takes a sharp left and the laughter really comes spilling out.
“Then as the contractions start getting heavy the slippers are chucked across the room.. yar hairs scraped back like dog the bounty hunter … you end up wearing a nappy that could absorb the dean park pond … you try so hard to keep your dignity so your man will still want you despite whats about ta happen but as the hours go on your sucking on the pain relief like a burns mall junkie screaming for someone to just cut your throat and end it all … “
Yup, that part is definitely crazy. And I will tell you this, it doesn’t matter if you’re having a natural birth or a C-section or if you plan to have drugs — you will likely experience at least part of this insanity before the grand finale.
“Then it’s time ta push and God forbid you eat anything in the last 8 hours,” Kennedy continues. “Your wishing ta god you had just farted in front of your boyfriend coz now [he’s seen] you fart … but trying to keep your thoughts away [from] the fact you just shat the bed you just take the next available pain relief ta block out the embarrassment … ”
Oh, man … she definitely gets at one of the ugliest truths of childbirth we all like to mentally block out: Yes, you will probably poop in front of everyone in that delivery room. But honestly? There’s so much happening down there that you just won’t care. (As hard as that is to believe.)
Kennedy wasn’t done with her truth gospel yet, though — she finished her post up with some more absolutely side-splitting details: “Out pops a giant head and your arse feels like it’s been set alight before the shoulders finish you off … everyone’s that happy awww the baby … let’s just all pretend he’s not blue and got a big cone head … you forget it all and then just as you relax and take a moment to [yourself] some dodgy wee midwife that’s not slept in 35 hour tries to set about your vagina with a needle and thread … it’s a pure magical moment for a woman.”
And there you have it. What has got to be the most honest (and hilarious) Facebook post on what actually happens in the delivery room that the world has ever seen.
When I was laboring with my first child (for 21-and-half hours thankyouverymuch) I apparently shouted, “GET THIS CHILD OUT OF ME NOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!” and I was heard all the way through the maternity ward, passed the waiting room, and into the elevators, where (I was told) a lovely young and very pregnant couple was just getting off. I was told the woman looked horrified and tried to get back on the elevator to leave, but her husband and the accompanying nurse wouldn’t let her.
Labor is crazy, but in the end so very worth it. If not for the comedy gold that can happen out of extreme circumstances – because what birth isn’t extreme? – then for the fabulous laughter that bonds us all in this big crazy experience of life.