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My Family Left Me Home Alone for the Weekend

Image source: Thinkstock
Image source: Thinkstock

My wife and two kids recently went to Chicago to visit family. I couldn’t go because of work. And as much as I love visiting the City of Big Shoulders (where they have the best stuffed pizza ever — in your face, thin crust NYC), I’m not gonna lie: I was pretty stoked to have some time to myself. I was going to live life to the fullest for the entire time they were gone.

Granted, I wasn’t going to go full-mid-life-crisis-all-the-way-to-eleven. But I was going to have some fun. I had plans. Big plans. Below is my itinerary of what I did while my family was away.

Saturday:

8:17 AM – Dropped the family off at the airport. Pretended I would miss them. As I drove home I blasted Wu Tang Clan as loud as humanly possible … because I could.

9:42 AM – Came home and went right back to bed. There’s a word I am looking for that describes the feeling of taking a nap in a quiet house but I just can’t seem to remember it. Wait … got it … AWESOME.

11:52 PM – Made chocolate chip cookie dough, but didn’t make cookies. I am going to eat it raw over the course of my family’s trip. This is a big deal because my wife never lets me do this. I am also not saving any for my kids.

1:12 PM – Walked to a nearby BBQ joint and ordered the sweet potato fries covered in pulled pork that were covered in coleslaw that were covered in BBQ sauce. Ate them while reading the newspaper in total silence. Out-friggin’-standing.

4:44 PM – Went to a used record store and did some browsing. For once I am doing something I want to do just for me. No one bothering me, no one bugging me, no one telling me they’re bored. Heaven.

7:00 PM – Picked up a whole bunch of Thai food and ate dinner right in front of the TV, straight from the takeout boxes so there would be no dishes to wash. I spent the night watching the dumbest, crappiest action movies I could find on Netflix. I won’t tell you the names, but one of them starred Bruce Willis and two of them starred Nicolas Cage. YOLO!

Sunday:

12:19 AM – Went to bed. Livin’ the dream.

6:45 AM – Woke up at the exact same time I do every day despite the plan to sleep way, way, way in. Not happy about that.

10:15 AM – Went for a jog that did not have to be cut short because of some prior commitment with my family. I felt like I could jog for hours. (Note: I did not jog for hours.)

1:06 PM – Made a lunch consisting of a turkey sandwich (using the two end pieces of bread cause that was all that was left), the rest of the dill pickles and some pita chips that probably have been lying around since early March. I am determined not to go to the grocery store while my family is away. So, while my lunch may not be the greatest, it’s a small price to pay for not having to food shop.

1:16 PM – Listened to my new vinyl. Danced like no one was watching.

3:26 PM – Bored.

3:30 PM – Fell asleep cause of said boredom.

4:19 PM – Scrubbed the toilets. Thought about Instagramming how great they looked but wisely decided not to.

7:22 PM – Talked to my wife and kids who were having a ball in Chicago without me. They actually went and ate stuffed pizza without me. How dare they?! I am the stuffed pizza fan, not them. They are just doing this out of spite. In retaliation, I eat some leftover pizza I found in the freezer, but just wasn’t the same.

Monday:

6:45 AM – Getting ready for work and the house is quiet. Too quiet. Eating breakfast alone kinda sucks. I ate it too fast, cleaned up too fast and, because I didn’t want to go to work that early, I just walked around aimlessly, half-listening to The Today Show, which is also not as entertaining to do when you are alone.

8:15 AM – Work. Same as always. Whatevs.

6:47 PM – Ate dinner by myself: leftover brown rice mixed with a can of tuna and topped with soy sauce. It tasted like sadness. I’d wash that sadness down with more cookie dough but I polished that off Sunday night. (Saturday night. I polished it off Saturday night. DON’T JUDGE ME.)

Tuesday:

8:15 AM – Work. Same as always. Whatevs.

12:55 PM – Called my wife to say hi. They were busy exploring the sights and sounds of Chicago. Could tell that they truly did not miss me. Entire conversation between my wife, my son, my daughter, and me? 37 seconds.

4:59 PM – Asked a good friend of mine to hang with me. He couldn’t because he was busy … busy being with his family. They were going to go to a children’s piano recital. I did not ask to tag along but I’d be lying to say that the thought of asking to didn’t cross my mind. And you know when you’re considering to voluntarily go to a kid’s recital that is not yours, that you’re pretty much an emotional train wreck.

6:50 PM – Found some cold spaghetti in the fridge. Ate it over the kitchen sink. And then I remember: eating like a bachelor sucks.

11:13 PM – Cannot sleep. Why is it so hard to sleep? I am a pro when it comes to sleep and just because my family is gone I can’t do it anymore? Suck it up and fall asleep, Pynchon.

Wednesday:

10:38 AM –Tonight my family returns home! Cannot wait. But this day at work will not end. Did time actually stop? Or worse, is it going backwards? Slowest day ever.

7:20 PM – Picked up the family at the airport. Soooo great to see them. Hugs and kisses all around. Life is good.

8:26 PM – Already annoyed with my family.

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Article Posted 4 years Ago

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