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New Dad’s Ridiculously Detailed Instructions for Babysitter Will Make You LOL

Image Source: Brandy McPeak
Image Source: Brandy McPeak

Leaving your kids for the first time in someone else’s care can be an anxiety-provoking experience. Will this person spend time interacting with your child, or will they sit on your couch, feet up, eating your leftovers and enjoying your Netflix account. One parent went to great lengths to ensure his babysitter knew everything, and I mean everything, about how to care for his child.

Dad Bryan Elliott recently posted an old email to Reddit that he left for his child’s first babysitter before a night away. To say the instructions were comprehensive would be like saying the Star Wars series was “kind of” successful. The letter provides a snippet of the kind of crazy that goes through a first-time parent’s brain. To ensure his sitter knew what to do for feeding and changing his precious gem, he wrote this:

Image Source: Reddit user TK
Image Source: Reddit user Fordiman

I am surprised Elliott didn’t ask this person to test the exact temperature of their own blood to confirm that, yes, it is the exact same temperature as the milk inside the bottle. I also adore that he actually felt the need to explain that poop has a “distinct smell.” I don’t want to be presumptuous but I assume this person has, themselves, pooped at some point in their lives and could recognize the odor.

Elliott then goes into a painfully hilarious explanation of how to change the baby:

Image Source: Reddit user TK
Image Source: Reddit user Fordiman

It’s at this point in the letter that I fall in love with this man. Not because he actually has a bullet for “undo the velcro clasps,” but because I can only imagine this parent painstakingly interrogated potential babysitters for months before finally selecting one. If I were a betting woman, I would say this sitter is CPR-certified, has 14 degrees in early childhood education, and spends 100 percent of her free time volunteering in orphanages. The fact that he feels the need to explain how to remove a diaper is endearing and, as a parent myself, totally relatable. The “goddamned war zone” comment only cements his place in my heart.

Elliott goes on to list every other possible scenario they may find themselves in from soothing to swaddling to tummy time (“watch the little bugger like a hawk”). He even spells out how much is too much bouncing (“the line between bouncing and shaking is about 1-2 HZ. More than 2 bounces per second is pushing it”).

I can imagine he called to check in no less than 26 times during the few hours they were gone, giving more and more instructions as the night wore on. I’m sure someday he will look back and laugh at himself. Until then, we can do the laughing on his behalf.

h/t: Scary Mommy

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Article Posted 3 years Ago

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