Ordinary Sounds I Now Loathe Thanks to Motherhood

Image source: Thinkstock
Image source: Thinkstock

There are a lot of sounds in the world. Alarms, traffic, phone calls, cell notifications, door bells, laughter, pots clanging. It’s a part of life. I used to go throughout the day filtering them out without assigning any type of judgment or loathing to them.

Until I became a mom.

If you too hate these sounds, holla if ya hear me, parents, but not too loudly because my baby’s sleeping. Thanks.

1. Dogs Barking

Dogs have incredible senses. Their sense of smell can track missing persons, their sense of sound can ward off potential intruders, but their sense of needing to bark? It always seems to kick in at the worst time possible. But really, how do they know I just laid my baby down for her nap? Are they fur oracles?

You can’t tell a dog, “Stop barking, the baby’s sleeping!” because they’re not listening. All they’re trying to say is, “I heard a weird sound (a.k.a. nothing) and scared them off with my unbelievably loud barks. You can thank me later when I’m at your feet begging for a piece of your steak.”

Sure, a dog barking is annoying with or without children, but when you need sleep and quiet for life to continue to have meaning, a barking dog with bad timing may become your greatest nemesis.

2. Doorbells/Door Knocks

Is there anything more horrifying than someone loudly knocking or ringing the doorbell as you put a (in my case) teething baby down for a nap? UPS tracking may say your package is delivered, but what they mean is, “Our truck is in route, waiting for you to put your exhausted child down so we can come to your door and ruin everything.”

Well, at least they’re honest.

3. Ringing Phones 

This seems obvious, but the intensity of how much I hate a phone ringing has greatly increased as my brain functionality has dramatically decreased with motherhood. Recently, I downloaded an app on my phone for white noise, but before I utilize that app, it might be helpful to put the phone on “Do Not Disturb” mode. Naturally, the self sabotaging part of my brain insures I forget 70% of the time.

So yes, that means there have been times I’ve been working in my office and I can hear my cell phone ringing. IN THE SLEEPING BABY’S ROOM! The feeling I get just talking about this makes me want to breathe in a paper sack. Which brings me to ….

4. Phone Notifications

Ever been the victim of a mass text? Ever been the victim of a mass text with some people that “reply all” to the mass text? I still have the shakes from when someone made a pregnancy announcement this way. It was sheer cell phone pandemonium. My phone was going off like bombs and it was vibrating itself off the table across the room. I felt so helpless! No! Stop! No one cares! I mean I care, but I don’t need a “congrats” text from your aunt! Please, somebody! STOP!

That was a dark day. The only solution I’ve found is putting my phone on vibrate mode, which is why I haven’t responded to a lot of your calls and messages in the past few weeks. I’m sorry.

5. Baby Fussing Sounds

Crying and fussing is a difficult sound to hear even before motherhood, but when it’s your baby and you’re the one responsible for trying to manage all of those sounds, it’s a whole new ballgame. It’s been known from studies that a crying baby is the most stressful sound a human being can hear. Anyone who has ever been in the vicinity of a crying baby for more than 2 seconds can attest to this fact, we really didn’t need a study.

With crying comes it’s ugly twin, fussing — the nails on chalkboard sound babies make when they can’t be pacified. And what are they fussing about? Teething? Boredom? Frustration? Wet diapers? The hell of it? Many times, no one knows. It’s like a fire alarm going off and without an actual fire and I have no idea how to shut the damn thing off.

6. Callious Whiney-Ass Voice 

My thoughts and prayers are with the parents who suffer with children who love the show Calliou.

I recently decided to give PBS a whirl, just to have something different playing in the background as my baby plays, instead of Wendy Williams. It was my first true experience with this whiney cartoon character from hell, even though I had known of his legacy and even made fun of him on my own humor site.

One day it was on and I was only half paying attention when I felt his voice weighing on me like a dull headache. Then, he threw a tantrum and I was whipped to horrified attention. What is this nonsense? How did a premise for a whiney, tantrum throwing toddler with a voice that makes you want to rip your ears off come into existence? Who gave the red light for this shit show? Is this some conspiracy? Is someone paying you, Calliou?! IF SO, WHO?!

I ran for the remote and dove through the air like I was in a Die Hard movie. I just can’t, Calliou. I won’t. I never will. 

Public Swearing

Swear in public before I had a baby, shame on you. Swear in public after I have a baby, and somebody hold my earrings.

The other day I was walking my sweet angel in her stroller and a woman walked by on her cell phone, using the F word as if she was playing Pictionary and she was convinced the picture was the F word and wouldn’t let it go no matter how much her teammate kept pointing at the shoe they drew with the tip of their marker.

I wanted to trip her and throw her phone down the sewer and say something smart like, “Now your phone is in the gutter with your mouth!” But of course I didn’t. I just gave her the stink eye that she didn’t even notice. I’m not a square — I’m pretty sure I cussed earlier in reference to Calliou (sorry, not sorry) — but there’s something about loud, public obscenities around an innocent that makes me feel our world is just one big gas station bathroom.

Well, that’s about all I can handle for now. I’m sure there’s a lot more benign sounds you could add. In the meantime, I’ll be lobbying for this list to be provided at all sex education classes so kids really know how baby-making screws with a person. 

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