Parenthood! How lucky you are to experience this marvelous gift. And experience it every single moment without a break even to go to the bathroom or eat a meal sitting down or DO YOU SEE THAT I’M TRYING TO TWEEZE HERE? Sorry, back.
For moms, there are some activities that used to be annoying, boring, or even physically uncomfortable, but now seem like luxurious jaunts to a tropical island. One of those no-kids-allowed islands.
1. The dentist
Hold up, you mean you didn’t always consider this a cross between a trip to a spa and a zen meditation retreat? Listen, once they numb you, you don’t even feel that root canal. And best of all, you can’t feel guilty for getting a sitter because, hey, this is your dental health we’re talking about here.
2. Yard work
If you get to rake leaves while someone else watches the kids, this is akin to a hike through a beautiful nature preserve. (And it’s an upper body workout!) And if you have music playing, it’s like the opening scenes of The Sound of Music.
“No no, husband, you do crafts with them while I finish up. Yes, I’m sure.” Sucker.
3. Grocery shopping
With kids, this is the tenth circle of hell, but on your own, it’s a wondrous fairy land of sugarplums and free biscuit samples in the bakery aisle. (Not like you need more carbs, but whatever.) For a laugh, amble through the greeting card section and peruse the cards obviously designed for single people. You can spot them because they allude to “going out” at night, which you vaguely recall means leaving the house later than you currently wake up to pee.
I mean, you never hated coffee, but it was a “nice to have,” not a “need to have.” You even, get this, skipped drinking it some mornings. Now you have an entirely different relationship with this sacred beverage. A relationship that borders on obsession, and kind of makes you uncomfortable to talk about out loud. Because some things should be kept pure. Moving on.
5. Your mother-in-law
You swear you fell in love the last time she offered to watch the kids … wait for it … overnight. So what if she still refers to your husband’s college ex-girlfriend as “that beautiful girl,” and bought you a wool sweater for your birthday even though you’re allergic to wool and your birthday is in June? Everyone has their cute little quirks. One more weekend of babysitting and you’ll be calling her Mom.
6. Kids’ movies
Remember when you would have died of boredom watching something rated PG? Nowadays, you pick watching kids’ movies over the independent films you used to adore. It may be somehow related to the snuggles that you get during the movie, or watching your toddler’s face when something funny happens onscreen.
YOU SOFTIE. Watch out, if you stay on this road, you’ll be inviting your MIL over for movie night and playing bridge with her after. Bridge, now there’s a game you used to make fun of, but you know, it actually sounds kind of entertaining …More On